Whiz Test Part II

When I went to take my test Monday I was ready: no "trips to Atlanta", no "Sang". I was sent to the same company that tested me two years ago, but they had a nicer, newer location and the lobby was full-ish. The Whiz Collection industry must be booming. And it's easy to see why: these people are good. We're talking "Is that your urine...?" good. First, the attendant is a really nice lady to which no drug addict could lie. Second, there's a therma strip on the cup you empty yourself into to make sure your whiz is body temperature and not "pee hidden inside your socks" temperature. Third, you have only 120 seconds alone in the bathroom to ensure: a)you haven't hidden the "good" sample in a place that's hard to reach within two minutes; b) you don't take advantage of the lack of a time limit like the guy in "King of the Bingo Game" and wait in there for two weeks until you're in the clear. All of these precautions would be unnecessary however if they made one request of you upon leaving the bathroom: "Okay, now drink it." Not too many people would drink someone else's whiz... unless maybe they were high in which case there's the loophole through that tactic. Damn, they are good.
After turning over my me temperature me, the super nice attendant suggests I wash my hands at the sink right outside the bathroom. I jokingly ask if anyone refuses and she says, "Yes, a good number." This should be part of the screening process. If you can force someone to pee in a cup within a two minute window, why not throw anobligatory handwashing in there? Refusal should result in loss of job as well. In fact, I would rather meet a coworker who is an addict than one who will knowingly shake my hand/touch the tongs at the salad bar with their private parts hands. Screen those filthy fuckers rights away.
Having done no drugs in a very long time, I am now back at Pfizer. Hooray...

Whiz Test, Part 1: "Lesson Learned"

I'm going back to work at Pfizer in 8 hours. But today I had to first visit the ICUP.

When I first got the call to work at Pfizer two years ago, I was on vacation in Atlanta and one of the friends with whom I was staying, Rob, had a friend, Sang, who lived in the basement of his house and would frequently ask me to smoke pot with him while he explained the intricacies of USA Network's "4400". I repeatedly but politely refused because back in Greenpoint I was living with some "wake and bake"ers, and I knew if I did too much, it would very quickly become a habit. So after I got the Pfizer goodnews pfone call, I surprised Sang by taking him up on his offer.
"Why not?" I thought. "This must be how recreational marijuana use began."
No sooner had my head filled with metallic bees, than the temp agency called to inform me that, by the way, I had to take a drug test before starting work next week. After several minutes of contemplating how I'd destroyed my life, Rob calls to say he's locked himself out of his car, and can I come pick him up, but when I pulled up could I crash my car into his car, sandwiching him between the two, and then could I manage to mutter, "Gnarly..." before we both died in the ensuing explosion? I wasn't sure I was ready to do all that. Luckily Sang was used to driving his MG with a head full of hornets at top speeds to the rescue, but I felt stupid explaining why I had not come alone.
That's my personal anti-drug commercial. Steer all so misfortuned to the life changing lessons found within, and witness those you thought lost in an opium den, emerge a proud and productive admin.

Jetfire was my wingman

Our date started at a Chinese restaurant that was closed for a Chinese birthday. So we moved around the Pacific Rim to a Thai restaurant where I produced 1.5 Liter bottles of Sprite Zero and Jetfire(Coke Zero) and asked for two glasses of ice. Normally, I would NEVER do this, but they were from a pre-date purchase at Duane Reade, so why not?
"Because it's white trashy..?"
PERHAPS!
I wasn't head over heels for this woman, but I believe in things like "getting to know you" and "falling in love" and "bringing your own soda on the first date". So we saw "Intersection" at the Magnet(good) and then on a whim drove down to see "Too much light makes the baby go blind"(good) and even had time for ice cream first! What a nice date! Here's when I realized physicality was not on the menu: On the car drive down to TMLMTBGB she reached over to buckle in my shoulder belt, and as she's reaching across my body I say something jokey-flirty like "Oh, MY, well I..."
She interrupts: "No, really, it's not like that. I didn't mean it that way. It's not like that."
Whew, what a relief! Now that the pressure's off, let's go to a bar, ask for glasses, pour more Jetfire and Sprite Zero from their bottles into those glasses, and toast to our not fucking. You don't have to have physical intimacty to have a nice date, kids! Sure you COULD hook up, and even purchase drinks from the same establishment in which you're dining, but where is the romance and mystery in that? I don't even WANT to know, girl!

Gather Ye Rosebuds!

This beautiful, nice, non-crazy, I'd always assumed to be married, woman turns out to be not... married. Great news, right? WRONG! Because I found out while running into her while she was on a date! With someone who has more sex than anyone else known personally to me(that's awful, I know, but wait there's more)! So much so that I even wonder if he's using some form of hypnosis!
"Oh, but he's such a nice guy..."
Sounds like SOMEBODY'S been hypnotized...
So ply Lady Jaye with questions like "What's your husband do?" and "Are you married?" before she winds up with Dr. Mindbender, Joes, cause you never knows, and that's half the heart-transplant.

This all may sound like I'm jealous which is probably the case. I never even really had a crush on her but that could be because of the married-cloak. So how about this: I hope everyone moves out of Hoboken so they can repopulate the city with their kids! Does that sound like jealousy to you?

I have revisited this post and am for sure not jealous. It's for the weak!

Tough Commercial Break Kid

Had a callback for a commercial Friday as a 'dad' handing down his tool set to his 'son'. I was paired up with a kid named Lucian who was SO cute and precocious that it made me want to save up to buy one someday. He was like Haley Joel Osment in 'Forrest Gump' except that when he talked you didn't want to strangle him. I asked him if we should go over the copy before they called us in, and he said "They'll have the words on the, um, whatchya call it... dry erase thing-ee!" Lucian, I'd sooner set the Snuggle fabric softener bear on fire than argue with that. Of course, upon entering the room I quickly learned that it was filled with people with laptops whose time is not to be wasted with things like "writing the words on the dry erase thing-ee". It was only two lines, and I'm pretty sure I remembered them from two days ago, but had there been more... The director directed Lucian to pretend the tool set was a rated 'M' video game he'd finally gotten to play. Why don't you just dangle some titties in his face, and tell him they're filled with the cure for the polio you gave him, Herr Director? Come along, Lucian! We're not working on THIS commercial!

'Kidnapped' Soda Jerk

Delroy calling.
I'd seen the 'No Parking' signs on the street so I already knew what he wanted: another witness to his explosion.
"Planning for an explosion is like planning to fall in love," I said. "If you don't flinch, you know it ain't for real."
"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"It means if you're not surprised, it ain't love, it's window shopping. No, wait, it means if you know it's coming then you can duck it, and you don't get to play dodgeball with this Shamus' heart, Alease... anyway I can't because I've got some mediocre improv to do. Catch ya later, Delroy."
I hung up, and let'em blow up Greenpoint without me.
[The above prose was inspired by the new DVD 'Brick' which is about what happens when teenagers talk like Humphrey Bogart.]

The local news said Harvard research revealed that drinking a can of soda a day can result in 15 extra pounds a year. I hope the boys at Harvard invent a soda with the great taste of sugar but none of the calories and have it in my fridge by lunchtime tomorrow. Or world peace, whichever is fine.

'Coke Zero' is 'Tab'... and Jetfire

Pictured above, Tab, the smooth, sweet, low calorie soft drink, was recently discontinued to little fanfare by the Coca-Cola Company(43.75, -.10 in after-hours trading). Tab wasn't widely distributed, and whenever I saw it in a store I felt like it was my lucky day. I think its lack of popularity was partially due to its pink skin and white futura sans serif font which screamed "If I'm drinking this, I must be gay". How could Red State boys take this to school? "Look, Bruce is drinking from a PINK can! He must be a girl! Invade Iraq!" Enter, Coke Zero which, thanks to Splenda, has Tab's smooth, sweet taste, but has been repackaged to be more appealing to homophobes and others whose masculinity would be threatened by drinking an already 'fru-fru' DIET drink from a pink container(Tab has since been repackaged as an energy drink with an awful new taste, and a new pink can design because we all know who drinks those anyway!). Coke Zero meanwhile has adopted the color scheme of the Autobot Jetfire:


The first Autobot to transform into something that could fly, Jetfire helped his brethren overcome a huge tactical Decepticon advantage. Could Coke Zero jet to the rescue of the Coca-Cola Company...?

Coke Zero: More than meets the Eye. Coke Zero: Tab in disguise.

'Rescue Me: Cemetery Heat'

Yonkers is a zombie movie set waiting for a zombie outbreak to happen. And at six am Monday July 31st, we arrive. Three busloads of extras: policemen and mourners on the way to a funeral and a wedding for 'Rescue Me'.
No, Alease is not among them. But I do meet a skinny Irish girl from south Jersey named Shannon with a beaver like mouth-area which, any prejudice against beavers aside, is not unattractive. We stand together three rows out from the casket. Somehow it's... just not the same.

Holding is in ANOTHER Polish cultural center, the Polainaisse, which is a large meeting hall made from tangy white sandwich spread.

Hey, breakfast! Extras treat meal lines like there's an electric chair at the end of it because standing around all day complaining consumes about half a million calories. The guy in front of me piles sausage patties on his plate. When he realizes there's only one left he says, "Well, I don't want to be greedy..." but hesitates putting back one of the five patties from his plate so I just grab it off, hit him with my club, urinate on him and paint a mural of the exchange on the cave wall when I get home.

I feel like I should be 'socializing' or 'networking' so at my table I meet adorable senior citizen Glen Danks. Glen tells an amusing story about how he was the only person who argued with his boss, Jacob Michaels, "probably the richest Jew in the world at the time" who sold bonds out of Germany until Hitler came along and then Jacob Michaels had to twenty-three skeedoo out of there before coming to America so Glen could argue with him. Two people passed out from the 100 degree heat in the cemetery that morning, but you know damn well for sure who didn't: Glen "I stood up to the probably the richest Jew in the world at the time" Danks.

At the cemetery assembles the all-star cast: Denis Leary, Callie Thorpe('Homicide' and 'The Wire'!)Tatum O'Neal, Charles Durning, and Anthony Michael Hall. During a break, a teenager at the funeral must've asked D.L. a stupid fucking question because myself and a bunch of others listen to the following paraphrase with petrified delight:

"You got a computer, kid? Type into your search engine 'Denis Leary' one 'n' and you'll find what movies I was in. That way you don't have to waste my time with stupid fucking questions." At this point I'd like to point out that D.L. looks great for a smoking man of 50. "Ask me about 'White Palm's, this little movie I made in the 90s and even if you haven't seen it, I'll think 'Oh, this is a smart kid. Get him some pizza.' In between jerking off, do some research. See that guy? Has 13 Emmy nominations. Ask him about that and he'll probably go, 'Hey, smart kid. Let's hire him again, maybe I'll make him my assistant.'"

And that's how it's done, folks! Be smart with your stupid fucking questions. But, kid, here's some advice D.L. won't give you: if he comes to your 'hood to shoot, and you meet John Clifford waiting to take his picture, just pick up your groceries and walk home, kid. Hey, kid, are you listening to me, kid?

On the bus ride back to the cemetary at lunch, I decide to sit in the back tucked snuggly away next to the lavatory so I can rest longer as I'll be the last one off. I wake to an empty bus with no idea how much time has passed. Only five minutes as it turns out. Not a huge deal, but find a bus buddy, kid, or don't sit in the back.

In the cemetary, I can't find my first page of notes and realize the stationary I'd been using says 'David N. Levin' on it is like a map that could lead the white man straight back to the Cheyenne camp. Hopefully, it's in the Polanaisse.

Huddle us up and say what a great job we're doing especially you cops in your polyester uniforms. You know what else you're doing great? Bugging the actors and taking pictures with your camera-phones. Let's act like professionals, people. And great job.

Whoops!



Oopsy!



These pictures were actually taken BEFORE the speech and who cares.

On the walk back from the bus to the Polanaisse I see my page of notes on the sidewalk. Lucky. If you're going to take notes, be smart about it, kid, and don't use the stationery your grandmother made for you as a way to make her happy in a heaven you don't believe in. She's no where near this cemetery.

We leave after a 13 hour day which apparently isn't THAT bad. But it is if you're the fellow waiting on the bus in front of me and you'd spent all day in a new shirt and new haircut waiting to get noticed and now you spout the following complaints which I will interpret as best I can. Keep in mind he's not addressing me, but anyone who in range who will listen:

"Over here, over there. Almost as descriptive as shit."[critique of directions from crew]

"Duh, huh, what? Huh, duh, huh, what?" [more illustrative critique of the above]

"It's like 'Night of the Living Dead' these people"[reference to popular horror film featuring dead risen from the grave or 'the undead' being used to describe background artists]

"Why don't they go to Bellview, and get'em from Bellview? It'd be an improvement."[sanitorium suggested as source for future extras]

"Your Barbie Dolls will wait, honey!"[?????]

He was close with the 'Night of the Living Dead' as we(the extras) all stumbled hot, and exhausted out of that Yonkers cemetery in a shambles, and alive.