Sex Advice from Movie Extras on Nerve.com... EXPOSED!

Nerve.com recently asked me(by way of my friend Misha[thanks, Misha!]) to participate in their "Sex advice from..." column. They sent me a list of questions and chose some of the answers to include on their website below to the accompaniment of this picture

http://www.nerve.com/regulars/sexadvicefrom/movieextras/


Or if you can't login, you can just read them here:

I love having my toes sucked, but I'm scared my girlfriend won't be into it. Any advice on introducing the topic tactfully?

Watch The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and during the post-movie talk ask, "What about that girl who liked toe-sucking? Have you ever tried that?"


I'm not the most well-endowed guy. How can I make up for what I'm lacking in size?

There should be many solutions to this in your spam folder.


My girlfriend lives with her parents. I'm homeless and couch surfing. We're getting tired of having sex in my car. What's the best way we find some alone time?

Try a $15-an-hour rehearsal studio at Champions Rehearsal Space, and please let me know if this works.


I have a big crush on someone who works as a movie extra. How can I bag him?

Just ask him, but when you do, substitute "extra" with "background artist."


What do you tell potential hookups about being an extra that helps seal the deal?

If the deal-sealer is that you're an extra, something's definitely wrong.


Have you had any good on-set hookups?

Delroy Lindo once patted me on the shoulder.




Pretty tame stuff. And with good reason: had they printed the unedited answers, my life would grind to a halt for all of the sex I would be having. While that may sound like a good thing, the editor warned me that it would, in fact, be an unmitigated disaster. So run for the hills, because the box is now open, and much of what has spilled out below is in poor taste


I slept with my roommate's boyfriend. I was drunk and don't remember,but he swears it happened. Do I have to tell her?

Good for you, and shame on him for taking advantage of you while drunk. Spin this.


I've been out with a new girl three times. I don't want it to go on any longer because I think she's a little unstable. She keeps calling. How can I let her down easily?

Does she still wanna bang? What's wrong with you, Cassanova...?


I love having my toes sucked, but I'm scared my girlfriend won't be into it. Any suggestions on how to introduce the topic?

Watch '40 year old Virgin' and then in the middle of post-movie talk insert "What about that girl that liked toe-sucking…? Have you ever tried that?" Eh?


Say you're not the most well-endowed guy. How can you make up for what you're lacking in size?

There should be many solutions to this in your spam folder. Become an expert at everything that doesn't involve penetration. Consider a 'shopping date' at 'Toys in Babeland'. This is what my 'friend' suggests; my friend with a small penis who is nothing like me, OH!


I want to have sex while I'm on my period, how can I make my boyfriend feel less weird about it?

Watch the unedited edition of 'Angel Heart' with him and then in the middle of post-movie talk insert "What about that dream sequence where Mickey Rourke has sex with Lisa Bonet while they're covered in blood…? Have you ever tried that?" Eh? But seriously, baby, I'll bet he'd do anal given the chance. Compare and contrast the humours. OR tell him you're asking only because you feel THAT comfortable with him, and that it'll help his favorite football team win the Super Bowl World Series Cup.


I accidentally read my boyfriend's email and found out he's having dinner with an ex and didn't tell me. Should I bring it up?

Ask him if he's looking to spice things up with another parnter. If he says "maybe" say "Is it that bitch you're having dinner with?" and then bang'em like there's no tomorrow.



My girlfriend lives with her parents and I'm couch surfing. We're getting tired of having sex in my car. What can we do to find some alone time?

Try a $15/hour rehearsal space at Champions. Please let me know if this works. I heard they shot a porn there once. So make less noise than that... unless you need some extras, AY!


I have a huge crush on a girl, but until now I've only been with guys. How can I make a move without seeming like I don't know what I'm doing?

In the parking lot at the 'Enchantment Under the Sea' dance, wait until I'm being a jerk to her, and then knock Biff out cold, BING!


What's the best movie to watch with someone you want to bed?

Why a movie of you bedding someone else, of course. Nothing gets people hotter than seeing other people in action. It works on their 'sneak preview' instinct. That's the best part of going to the movies, right? Only it ain't the best part of this movie, baby.


I have a big crush on someone who works as a movie extra, what's the best way to get him to go out with me?

Ask him. Possibly substitute the word 'extra' with 'background artist', and the words 'go out' with 'bang'.


How has working as an extra made you better in bed?

After many hours of waiting around, I can concentrate on a moment's notice, although I believe many people are capable of this. It's what I do when I concentrate that's gonna make you dump that drawer full of pop guns, baby.


Is there anything you tell potential bedmates about being an extra that helps to seal the deal?

If the deal sealer is that you're an extra, something's definitely wrong somewhere, so let's get down till we make it right.


Years ago, I was a naked extra in a film. My girlfriend of two years is pretty conservative and I'm scared to tell her. Do I have to own up, or will what she doesn't know not hurt her?

Don't worry, I'll mention it to her the next time we're bangin', OH!


Have you had any good on-set hook ups or sexual encounters?

Is sex all you think about, baby?


Is there anything you won't do on screen, or for your job? Where do you draw the line?

Baby, why aren't we bangin' right now?

No matter what effect the above has on your life, sexual or otherwise, I hope it helps assuage what Joseph Conrad told us during the opening screen shot of the 1984 C64 game 'ALIEN':