JURY DUTY
After paying taxes, not stabbing others with a pen, and voting for a
President who does not stab others with a pen unless those others are thinking about purchasing a pen to stab you with first, JURY DUTY is our most important civic responsibility. Exactly how important is it..? Diane Sawyer hosts the 'Welcome to Jury Duty' orientation video that's how important it is.
I have had the honor of answering summons in Kings County of the Empire State of the North, and in Dekalb County of the Empire State of the South(Georgia). Should you find yourself lucky enough to be called to lick the brass fasteners in either crime ridden principality, the following may be of help*:
LEGAL DICTIONARY
voir dire (vwär-'dir) n. a preliminary examination to determine the competency of a witness or juror. [Anglo-French, literally, to speak the truth] Further reference: 'The Jury'; 'The Devil's Advocate'; 'Voir Dire 2: Dire Harder’.
SUMMONS ONE
Atlanta, GA
Joseph Richburg, your freshman RA, will assure you that as a political science major, there is NO WAY IN HELL you will be chosen, so at voir dire be amused but act apologetic when you tell the attorney your field of study.
Then the attorney will ask, "Have you taken any law classes?"
"Um, I was thinking about taking a criminal justice class..."
Congratulations, you are now the littlest juror!
The defense attorney will try to demonstrate that this is not some jury movie and this is not some jury TV show by asking every. single. one. of his witnesses if he has coached them in any way. This will not be as entertaining as a movie or TV show.
During a lull in deliberations, point out that since the first Korean shot the second Korean in the back with his second shot, he must be guilty. Congratulations, you’ve just sent someone to jail!
Before the convicted leaves the courtroom he will say to the prosecutor, “I wish you could have been there.” Resist temptation to say, "Hey, trial's over, and you lost."
As you pass the families on the way out of court, realize you’ve sentenced two people that day: a young kid to years of hard time, and yourself to a night of New Castle and 'X-Files'.
SUMMONS TWO
Atlanta, GA
You may consider wearing to voir dire your Superman t-shirt, the one that proclaims "Truth, Justice and the American Way". Don't.
When the defense attorney asks, "Is there anyone here that thinks my client is probably guilty?" forget that statistic you heard somewhere that 90% of people who go to trial are guilty, and keep your hand down. When you raise your hand anyway, don't be surprised to hear the grandfatherly judge patronize you with, "Don't you believe people should be considered innocent until proven guilty...?" because you've just raised your hand out of a jury, mister.
SUMMONS THREE
Brooklyn, New York
Welcome to the big time; the sidelines of World War III. Don't fight it. They’ve thought of everything. The clerk who reads the jury pool roster, for example, has this to say:
"You will not be dismissed until 5 o'clock. I repeat, you will not be dismissed until 5 o'clock. Do not come up here and ask me if you can leave early. You cannot leave at 3. You cannot leave at 330. You cannot leave at 4. You cannont leave at 430. You will be here until 5 o'clock."
“If I mispronounce your name, IT-IS-NOT-PERSONAL!” Check.
Realize that having started the 'Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006, 128 clue crossword puzzle, you must now finish the 'Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006, 128 clue crossword puzzle. You are exempt from finishing the crossword if you are retarded.
12pm - Start keeping track of time.
Attorney’s may ask what hobbies you’ve picked up while waiting for voir dire. In addition to enjoying the occasional JPN crossword, you might want to try profiling vending machine customers until lunch.
WM 18-30, E2 Twix, 75 cents
BF 18-30, E3 Cheetos, 50 cents
BM 30-45, E2 Twix, 75 cents
WM 30-45, D3 Pretzel Sticks, 70 cents
BM 23-50, B1 Fritos, 50 cents
AM 18-30, A1 Lays, 50 cents
AF 45-60, E8 Nature Valley Granola Bar, 75 cents
WF 21-49, E1 Peanut M&Ms, 75 cents
BF 30-45, E1 Peanut M&Ms, 75 cents
WF 30-45, D3 Pretzel Sticks, 70 cents
1230pm - Lunch! Ah, the world looks a little brighter now. While perusing downtown Brooklyn’s many eateries, keep in mind that ‘Samurai Sam’s’ Samurai Sucks.
145pm - There are two lawyers central casting has found for your Kings County voir dire: one speaks from a ruddy face with the high, genteel lilt of the South, while the other looks like Al Franken and sounds like Alan Dershowitz.
As you’re filling out your questionnaire:
North - “You want to be on this jury. This trial will be over in two, four days tops.”
South - “I’d be surprised if it goes to four days.”
North – “You get thrown back out there in the jury pool, you land on a criminal case, you’re there for two, three weeks.”
Feel disappointed when you’re not selected for their jury, and congratulate someone who has been selected.
Then realize North and South have just played ‘Good cop/Bad cop’ on you with the criminal justice system.
Back in the pool, fish.
255pm - It starts again. The calling of names that will determine your fate for the next one to five hundred and four hours.
“David..”
[Heart jumps!]
“…Black”
Poor bastard.
335pm - Begin to construct your own crossword puzzle, the answer to the final clue of which you will find in your heart, in your death tub:
ACROSS
1 PIN number
2 Your favorite color
4 Mom’s maiden name
7 Person you want to bed
DOWN
3 SS #
5 What’s holding you back
6 this one is a throwaway
8 What’s for dinner
404pm - Enjoy the relief and mild satisfaction that comes from finally completing the 128 clue ‘Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006 crossword puzzle. You are now qualified to serve on juries around the world.
424pm - See how the vending machine stake out is going. A woman pauses in front of the glass, but wills herself away.
430pm - Dismissed. You brought a jump rope to a Kings County knife fight. You are given a letter of exemption good for years until your county will need you again. But if your pen should find its way into the trachea of a choking person who doesn't make it, try not to dwell on all of those unsolved crossword clues.
*this is no substitution however for watching ‘Twelve Angry Men’(Sidney Lumet, 1957) the greatest ensemble jury acting of all time.
President who does not stab others with a pen unless those others are thinking about purchasing a pen to stab you with first, JURY DUTY is our most important civic responsibility. Exactly how important is it..? Diane Sawyer hosts the 'Welcome to Jury Duty' orientation video that's how important it is.
I have had the honor of answering summons in Kings County of the Empire State of the North, and in Dekalb County of the Empire State of the South(Georgia). Should you find yourself lucky enough to be called to lick the brass fasteners in either crime ridden principality, the following may be of help*:
LEGAL DICTIONARY
voir dire (vwär-'dir) n. a preliminary examination to determine the competency of a witness or juror. [Anglo-French, literally, to speak the truth] Further reference: 'The Jury'; 'The Devil's Advocate'; 'Voir Dire 2: Dire Harder’.
SUMMONS ONE
Atlanta, GA
Joseph Richburg, your freshman RA, will assure you that as a political science major, there is NO WAY IN HELL you will be chosen, so at voir dire be amused but act apologetic when you tell the attorney your field of study.
Then the attorney will ask, "Have you taken any law classes?"
"Um, I was thinking about taking a criminal justice class..."
Congratulations, you are now the littlest juror!
The defense attorney will try to demonstrate that this is not some jury movie and this is not some jury TV show by asking every. single. one. of his witnesses if he has coached them in any way. This will not be as entertaining as a movie or TV show.
During a lull in deliberations, point out that since the first Korean shot the second Korean in the back with his second shot, he must be guilty. Congratulations, you’ve just sent someone to jail!
Before the convicted leaves the courtroom he will say to the prosecutor, “I wish you could have been there.” Resist temptation to say, "Hey, trial's over, and you lost."
As you pass the families on the way out of court, realize you’ve sentenced two people that day: a young kid to years of hard time, and yourself to a night of New Castle and 'X-Files'.
SUMMONS TWO
Atlanta, GA
You may consider wearing to voir dire your Superman t-shirt, the one that proclaims "Truth, Justice and the American Way". Don't.
When the defense attorney asks, "Is there anyone here that thinks my client is probably guilty?" forget that statistic you heard somewhere that 90% of people who go to trial are guilty, and keep your hand down. When you raise your hand anyway, don't be surprised to hear the grandfatherly judge patronize you with, "Don't you believe people should be considered innocent until proven guilty...?" because you've just raised your hand out of a jury, mister.
SUMMONS THREE
Brooklyn, New York
Welcome to the big time; the sidelines of World War III. Don't fight it. They’ve thought of everything. The clerk who reads the jury pool roster, for example, has this to say:
"You will not be dismissed until 5 o'clock. I repeat, you will not be dismissed until 5 o'clock. Do not come up here and ask me if you can leave early. You cannot leave at 3. You cannot leave at 330. You cannot leave at 4. You cannont leave at 430. You will be here until 5 o'clock."
“If I mispronounce your name, IT-IS-NOT-PERSONAL!” Check.
Realize that having started the 'Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006, 128 clue crossword puzzle, you must now finish the 'Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006, 128 clue crossword puzzle. You are exempt from finishing the crossword if you are retarded.
12pm - Start keeping track of time.
Attorney’s may ask what hobbies you’ve picked up while waiting for voir dire. In addition to enjoying the occasional JPN crossword, you might want to try profiling vending machine customers until lunch.
WM 18-30, E2 Twix, 75 cents
BF 18-30, E3 Cheetos, 50 cents
BM 30-45, E2 Twix, 75 cents
WM 30-45, D3 Pretzel Sticks, 70 cents
BM 23-50, B1 Fritos, 50 cents
AM 18-30, A1 Lays, 50 cents
AF 45-60, E8 Nature Valley Granola Bar, 75 cents
WF 21-49, E1 Peanut M&Ms, 75 cents
BF 30-45, E1 Peanut M&Ms, 75 cents
WF 30-45, D3 Pretzel Sticks, 70 cents
1230pm - Lunch! Ah, the world looks a little brighter now. While perusing downtown Brooklyn’s many eateries, keep in mind that ‘Samurai Sam’s’ Samurai Sucks.
145pm - There are two lawyers central casting has found for your Kings County voir dire: one speaks from a ruddy face with the high, genteel lilt of the South, while the other looks like Al Franken and sounds like Alan Dershowitz.
As you’re filling out your questionnaire:
North - “You want to be on this jury. This trial will be over in two, four days tops.”
South - “I’d be surprised if it goes to four days.”
North – “You get thrown back out there in the jury pool, you land on a criminal case, you’re there for two, three weeks.”
Feel disappointed when you’re not selected for their jury, and congratulate someone who has been selected.
Then realize North and South have just played ‘Good cop/Bad cop’ on you with the criminal justice system.
Back in the pool, fish.
255pm - It starts again. The calling of names that will determine your fate for the next one to five hundred and four hours.
“David..”
[Heart jumps!]
“…Black”
Poor bastard.
335pm - Begin to construct your own crossword puzzle, the answer to the final clue of which you will find in your heart, in your death tub:
ACROSS
1 PIN number
2 Your favorite color
4 Mom’s maiden name
7 Person you want to bed
DOWN
3 SS #
5 What’s holding you back
6 this one is a throwaway
8 What’s for dinner
404pm - Enjoy the relief and mild satisfaction that comes from finally completing the 128 clue ‘Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006 crossword puzzle. You are now qualified to serve on juries around the world.
424pm - See how the vending machine stake out is going. A woman pauses in front of the glass, but wills herself away.
430pm - Dismissed. You brought a jump rope to a Kings County knife fight. You are given a letter of exemption good for years until your county will need you again. But if your pen should find its way into the trachea of a choking person who doesn't make it, try not to dwell on all of those unsolved crossword clues.
*this is no substitution however for watching ‘Twelve Angry Men’(Sidney Lumet, 1957) the greatest ensemble jury acting of all time.
posted by DvDLvN | 4:48 PM
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