Star Fucker

Despite the promises of a hundred plus years of “science-fiction”, real life space exploration thus far has been a snoozer. There’s no shortage of danger inherent in taking on the final frontier (there’s enough ‘Head and Shoulders’ on the beaches to prove that), but outerspace is missing that other juicy stake: sex. Colin Farrell and Christian Bale discovered The New World but the first person on Mars will be the robot daughter of Stephen Hawking. Where are the natives to fight and then woo and then genocide? Where are the little green Sacagawea’s to provide comfort and guidance on our way through the Northwest Anus? Where is the romantic allure of the cold vast vastness? The idea that the universe was created by something called ‘The Big Bang’ has become a cruel misnomer. This has not been helped by the portrait of astronauts as squeaky clean androids; nerd demi-Gods descended from MathOlympus. Even Hollywood’s attempts to humanize them have been pretty tame. ‘The Right Stuff’ is an excellent movie, but the infighting and peccadilloes of the Mercury astronauts were the peccadilloes of 1958, and today people only say ‘peccadillo’ when they’re drunk and imploring you to pick a sex toy. ‘Apollo 13’ showed us a swingin’ astronaut with gonorrhea, but filtered him through the twin lenses of Ron Howard and Kevin Bacon, and can I get some mayo for this feta and rice on white bread sandwich I call a ‘Hoboken’?

Now someone has come along and changed all of that. Accused of thinking about trying to kill the woman her space comMANder Bill Oefelein was putting rockets into, Astronaut Lisa Nowak has shown us that in space people aren’t just thinking about colliding with asteroids; they’re also thinking about colliding with their boss's asteroids. While manipulating that robotic arm, she probably fantasized using it to pluck Oefelein from the cockpit and fling him onto a fluffy bed. And for the crime of not being a calculator with metal legs, Lisa Nowak was arrested. WARNING! A HUMAN IS ONBOARD THIS SHUTTLE! Who hasn’t considered reaching out to a love rival while in disguise in an International Airport’s Long-term Parking? Parking lots are merely convenient places to approach people because that’s where both of your cars will end up…unless you arrived strapped to the bottom of theirs. SO she drove non-stop across the South wearing a diaper, big deal! That only shows the passion, ingenuity, and determination that got her into NASA in the first place. Plus, how could the police seriously accuse her of attempted murder while in the possession of pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing? These items had probably been in her car since the PTA Haunted House last October. No NASA astronaut would be caught dead on the way to a “gonna hurt ya” with anything less than a moon pistol(particle weapon used to pulverize objects in one’s flight path… of love). Things aren’t always what they seem. Tell me, did this tiger mother just use her jaws to move her cub out of harm’s way…



... or break its neck?

"Hey, Orlando County Sherrif’s Department! Dangerous white tiger on the loose! Better arrest it for kidnapping its own son!"

Lisa Nowak has shown those NASAndroids the variable that’s kept us from buying condos on Europa: unrequited love. As John Brown tried to unfreeze the slaves, Lisa Nowak has tried to unfreeze our hearts so that we may enslave other worlds. What she did wasn’t “pretty”, but it was pretty human.