How to Get to Heaven

On the 7 train home last Friday there was a seat open next to a smiling young caucasian woman who seemed to be with another smiling young caucasian woman standing next to her. Young caucasian women do not take the 7 into Queens and if they do, they are certainly not smiling at me. Once a transexual smiled at me on Puerto Rican Pride Day, but that's about it. So as this was my lucky day, I said to the stander, "Do you want to sit down?"
"No, go ahead," they both agreed.
"Because if you don't sit down, I'm going to sit down," I said, sitting, everyone smiling away.
After I was next to the sitter, whom I would come to know as 'Meredith', I noticed the black leather book the stander, whom I would come to know as 'Ally', was holding. Looking around I now noticed the other smiling young caucasian boys and girls crowding the train. Many of them were holding black leather books as well. My chest tightened slightly with the knowledge that our banter and proximity had opened a conversation door to Jesus through which I would soon have to pass.
"We spent the day in Bryant Park," Ally said.
"Oh, really? What were you doing there?"
"Spreading the word of the Lord."
"Uh, huh!"
In an attempt to head-off whatever Jesus-sentence they were going to say next I asked in no mean way, "Why is it the 'Holy' Bible? Why not just the 'Bible'?" because nothing grinds religious talk to a halt faster than questions about the Bible.
Ally, the prettiest and therefore smartest of all the Christians replied, "If I just said 'Harry Potter', you wouldn't know which book I was talking about."
Dear Lord, they hate Harry Potter! I hate him, too, but for secular reasons, and what kind of relationship could we build on that foundation of lies?
I learned they were on their way to a bus back to Pottersville.
"Harry Pottersville?" wa-HAH!
"I never thought of that!" Meredith said. "I love Harry Potter! Have you read Harry Potter?"
So they're not THAT crazy which was a surprising relief.
"I'm saving it for retirement," I goddamn lied.
At this point, Ally was done fucking around.
"Do you believe in Heaven?"
"No."
"So what do you think happens after you die?"
"Nothing."
"So you're just chillin' in the ground?"
"No, you're not 'chillin'. You cease to exist."
Ally, in a credit to her missionary savviness, did not argue with me.
At Courthouse Square I got up. I don't remember if Ally said 'Goodbye' but on my way to the doors Meredith asked, almost apologetically, "Do you mind if I give you something?" I hesitated. But if it helps Meredith on her way to a toaster, why not?

This reminds me of what they drop on enemy soldiers to get them to surrender... in 'Three Kings'.
As you can see, it doesn't have Meredith's number on it, but it does have simple instructions on how to hook up with her down the road. If you get there first, wait for me there, Meredith baby!

Now you know how to avoid muggings in Greenpoint, AND eternal damnation.