How to Flirt Online

Several years ago I tried internet dating. Above was my photo and the caption read: "You have the right to remain... sexy" (The photo's from a kid's show I worked on where I met my friend Yang).

Over a year and a half period I wound up dating about 14 women, one of whom I dated for FOUR months(still friends, not crazy) and the other for one month(not friends, crazy-ish). Perhaps I would've dated more if people weren't so interested in things like "chemistry" and "physical attraction." What happened to falling in love? I guess there's no time for things like that in today's modern world. In olden times, people would go out on dates after a long day in the fields and they would stick with that person because they were too tired to do any serious looking around. So it was with interest that I read an article on how to flirt your way through email to that first date. An article on turning that first date into more dates would've been MORE helpful, but...
Imagine reading the questions below in an email from someone you only knew online, but were thinking about dating(Hi!) and come up with your own nutty answers!

10 email flirting questions

Where did you get that fantastic smile?
Mail order bride. Do you want to see my stomach?

What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
If you were low-fat frozen yogurt swirled with Irish liqueur and scooped out into two 36C blue cups, then you would be my new favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor: "Sarah Stout and Smurfy"(change 'Sarah' where appropriate).

What is the most romantic place that you've been on a date?
Time travel date of watching you at my funeral. After several moments I'd walk up behind you and say, "Hey, look who's not dead." or "Hey, he looks like he was one hell of a lover."

What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
I'd eat you last with Hot Sauce and Ranch.

If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
Take you to a restaurant where I could watch you stuff your cute little rabbit face with salad.

What is your favorite thing to do with a partner for fun?
Strip "Axis and Allies". The build-up is almost unbearable. You won't be able to lose your Home Islands fast enough, my little Tojo.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
Time travel date: the place where you are going to die so I could surround it with razor-wire and pumas as a warning of the dangers of falling in love.

How long have you played guitar? (Ask about something in their profile.)
I took lessons in Nashville when I was ten, but then stopped when we moved to Atlanta. My freshman year roommate played so I picked it up again, but stopped after about a year. If I weren't such a quitter, I'd be amazing by now. I have guitar songs on my computer if you want to hear something...

Wow, is that your cute golden retriever? (Compliment something in their photograph.)
It belongs to my downstairs neighbor Keyque who is gay and from Spain. He named it 'Brooklyn' because that's where we live. If he were still in Spain I guess he'd name it 'Western Hemisphere'.

When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)
Oh, 'Sarah Stout and Smurfy', don't you know anything...?