Sex Advice from Movie Extras on Nerve.com... EXPOSED!

Nerve.com recently asked me(by way of my friend Misha[thanks, Misha!]) to participate in their "Sex advice from..." column. They sent me a list of questions and chose some of the answers to include on their website below to the accompaniment of this picture

http://www.nerve.com/regulars/sexadvicefrom/movieextras/


Or if you can't login, you can just read them here:

I love having my toes sucked, but I'm scared my girlfriend won't be into it. Any advice on introducing the topic tactfully?

Watch The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and during the post-movie talk ask, "What about that girl who liked toe-sucking? Have you ever tried that?"


I'm not the most well-endowed guy. How can I make up for what I'm lacking in size?

There should be many solutions to this in your spam folder.


My girlfriend lives with her parents. I'm homeless and couch surfing. We're getting tired of having sex in my car. What's the best way we find some alone time?

Try a $15-an-hour rehearsal studio at Champions Rehearsal Space, and please let me know if this works.


I have a big crush on someone who works as a movie extra. How can I bag him?

Just ask him, but when you do, substitute "extra" with "background artist."


What do you tell potential hookups about being an extra that helps seal the deal?

If the deal-sealer is that you're an extra, something's definitely wrong.


Have you had any good on-set hookups?

Delroy Lindo once patted me on the shoulder.




Pretty tame stuff. And with good reason: had they printed the unedited answers, my life would grind to a halt for all of the sex I would be having. While that may sound like a good thing, the editor warned me that it would, in fact, be an unmitigated disaster. So run for the hills, because the box is now open, and much of what has spilled out below is in poor taste


I slept with my roommate's boyfriend. I was drunk and don't remember,but he swears it happened. Do I have to tell her?

Good for you, and shame on him for taking advantage of you while drunk. Spin this.


I've been out with a new girl three times. I don't want it to go on any longer because I think she's a little unstable. She keeps calling. How can I let her down easily?

Does she still wanna bang? What's wrong with you, Cassanova...?


I love having my toes sucked, but I'm scared my girlfriend won't be into it. Any suggestions on how to introduce the topic?

Watch '40 year old Virgin' and then in the middle of post-movie talk insert "What about that girl that liked toe-sucking…? Have you ever tried that?" Eh?


Say you're not the most well-endowed guy. How can you make up for what you're lacking in size?

There should be many solutions to this in your spam folder. Become an expert at everything that doesn't involve penetration. Consider a 'shopping date' at 'Toys in Babeland'. This is what my 'friend' suggests; my friend with a small penis who is nothing like me, OH!


I want to have sex while I'm on my period, how can I make my boyfriend feel less weird about it?

Watch the unedited edition of 'Angel Heart' with him and then in the middle of post-movie talk insert "What about that dream sequence where Mickey Rourke has sex with Lisa Bonet while they're covered in blood…? Have you ever tried that?" Eh? But seriously, baby, I'll bet he'd do anal given the chance. Compare and contrast the humours. OR tell him you're asking only because you feel THAT comfortable with him, and that it'll help his favorite football team win the Super Bowl World Series Cup.


I accidentally read my boyfriend's email and found out he's having dinner with an ex and didn't tell me. Should I bring it up?

Ask him if he's looking to spice things up with another parnter. If he says "maybe" say "Is it that bitch you're having dinner with?" and then bang'em like there's no tomorrow.



My girlfriend lives with her parents and I'm couch surfing. We're getting tired of having sex in my car. What can we do to find some alone time?

Try a $15/hour rehearsal space at Champions. Please let me know if this works. I heard they shot a porn there once. So make less noise than that... unless you need some extras, AY!


I have a huge crush on a girl, but until now I've only been with guys. How can I make a move without seeming like I don't know what I'm doing?

In the parking lot at the 'Enchantment Under the Sea' dance, wait until I'm being a jerk to her, and then knock Biff out cold, BING!


What's the best movie to watch with someone you want to bed?

Why a movie of you bedding someone else, of course. Nothing gets people hotter than seeing other people in action. It works on their 'sneak preview' instinct. That's the best part of going to the movies, right? Only it ain't the best part of this movie, baby.


I have a big crush on someone who works as a movie extra, what's the best way to get him to go out with me?

Ask him. Possibly substitute the word 'extra' with 'background artist', and the words 'go out' with 'bang'.


How has working as an extra made you better in bed?

After many hours of waiting around, I can concentrate on a moment's notice, although I believe many people are capable of this. It's what I do when I concentrate that's gonna make you dump that drawer full of pop guns, baby.


Is there anything you tell potential bedmates about being an extra that helps to seal the deal?

If the deal sealer is that you're an extra, something's definitely wrong somewhere, so let's get down till we make it right.


Years ago, I was a naked extra in a film. My girlfriend of two years is pretty conservative and I'm scared to tell her. Do I have to own up, or will what she doesn't know not hurt her?

Don't worry, I'll mention it to her the next time we're bangin', OH!


Have you had any good on-set hook ups or sexual encounters?

Is sex all you think about, baby?


Is there anything you won't do on screen, or for your job? Where do you draw the line?

Baby, why aren't we bangin' right now?

No matter what effect the above has on your life, sexual or otherwise, I hope it helps assuage what Joseph Conrad told us during the opening screen shot of the 1984 C64 game 'ALIEN':

TRAINWRECK... where plays collided!

Sunday night October 28, 2007 at the Magnet Theater was the fourth installment of

TRAINWRECK!

Five scenes from four plays were performed in the first half of the show. Like the audience, the actors didn't know what the other scenes to be performed were until the night of the show. In the second half, the actors came back as their characters and improvised new scenes with the characters from the other plays. Like the first three shows, this one was a blast. All pictures were taken using my Motorola camera-phone. Thanks for being there, Verizon.

THE SCENES

Jack Goes Boating by Bob Glaudini

Jack (Shawn Wickens) and Connie (Mary Archbold)

The Pillowman by Martin McDonagh

Dave Koenig as Ariel, Tim Wersan as Karturian, TJ Mannix as Tupolski

TJ Mannix as Tupolski(back), and Tim Wersan as Karturian

Assassins book by John Weidman

Desiree Nash as Lynnette "Squeaky" Fromme and Ashley Ward as Sara Moore

Inherit the Wind by Jerome Lawrence and Robert Edwin Lee

Justin Zell as Henry Drummond and Adam Nowak as Matthew Brady

And then there was a second short scene from Jack Goes Boating which is actually depicted above.

THE IMPROV

Shawn is "tied up" on the floor here.

THE PROMOTIONAL ELECTRIC POSTER

Can you name the plays from which the dialogue above was taken? Can you even read it? If so you probably know a lot about plays and have pretty good eyesight. See answers below.


What did I have to do with this? Well, I directed the scenes in the first half, and more or less put it all together. It's a lot of work and rehearsals for a one night show, but they were a talented cast which made it more than worth it.

Thanks to everyone who came out, and the Magnet for all of its support.

Until next time.... CHOO-CHOOOOO!

(Answers left to right: Martha - Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?; Ricky Roma - Glengarry Glen Ross; Jessie - 'night Mother; Stanley - A Streetcar Named Desire)

unlunched

For four months I’d eaten Louis Rich Turkey Sandwiches sometimes loaded with Guiltless Chili-Lime cornchips, sometimes not, while I waited in a hot room in Greenpoint for a mission, and for my sins they gave me one, and it was a real doozy: active duty VietPfizernam. Closer to the VietPfizernam of ‘South Park’ than the VietPfizernam of 'Aliens' I actually welcomed the job and the subsidized cafeteria of plenty it would bring. Before bed that night, I made a list of things I'd need:

_Metrocard, 10/24 exp.

_anti-Pizza4lunch pills

Famished, I lay in bed, waiting.


DAY ONE

Morning
My contact's name is Sun Hoo. She's going away on medical leave, something about a calcium deposit, and take a big fat guess who’s taking her place: that's right, yours truly: me: David Levin, the guy writing this. It's a new department I don't really understand, but I know the lingo, every good temp does, and the cafeteria’s only two flights down. In the hallways I run into a few ghosts of adminpast:

"Ken!"

"Helen!"

"Joauqin!"

Somewhere a Blackberry moans.

Noon
At lunch, I get ambushed. Someone's being promoted and they're sending her off in style and take a big fat guess who's going along for the ride: that's right, still me. Eight of us(down from 13, and I don't ask what happened to the other five) hump four blocks of exhaust and asphalt to the Delegate's Cafeteria at the United Nations. Never thought I'd see the inside of this place, but Sun Hoo's arranged everything and three security checks later we're in.
Here's the thing about the UN: everyone looks like they're from someplace else. But they've all come together for one purpose: to unite nations, and occasionally eat food from them. In the Delegate’s cafeteria this week they're celebrating food from Portugal. I've been to Portugal and I make sure everybody knows it. According to the AAA guide book Portugal is still very much a poor country but I guess they went all out to impress their fellow UN countrymen with this buffet spread. In the dining room we join people who wear their eccentricities with an ease I can only assume comes from owning the bomb.
At our table, Kofi Annan brings us bread, and Kruschev serves us coffee. While we butter and eat the bread I think "Did you people not see the buffet we passed? What are you waiting for!?" but as the greenie, the low guy on the totem-pole, the one no one knows and everyone expects won’t be around much longer, I keep quiet and look out the window. The view across the East River is as diplomatically idyllic a one as mankind could hope for with equal views of Long Island City, Queens, and Greenpoint, Brooklyn, with Staten Island and the Bronx floating conveniently out of sight. Finally someone from our table gets up and we get to explore and judge what the conquistadors of Brazil have to offer:

'Churchyard's Rose' Salted Portugean Cod – meh

Portugean Pork pieces – meh

Portugean Jugged Chicken - this is pretty good

Portugean Sauteed Broccoli Rabe – not too shabby

Baked Sea Bass from off the coast of 'you guessed it'– delicious! And they serve it out of a fish!

Portugean Chickpea and Watercress Soup – many of my new comrades went ga-ga over this and it was pretty good for a Radisson.

Venison prepared Portugean-style – not too shabby

Portugean Pinenut and raisin rice - many of my new comrades went ga-ga over this and it was pretty good for a Radisson.

Portugean Mesclun salad w/honey mustard vinegarette – I believe I could get this almost anywhere

Octopus arms, Portugese-style – about the length and diameter of two index fingers. This is pretty good.

Desserts:

Maria's Portugean cookie cake – Maria, marry-a me

Portugean Lemon bar cake – Mrs. Langberg, your lemon bars have been supplanted. You may now die.

There was a lounge in the men’s room should synchronized urination lead to diplomacy. The lounge was empty. I exited the restroom to find my company on their way out of the Delegate’s Cafeteria, me already forgotten. On the walk back, I thanked everybody for lunch and wished the woman leaving the group good luck. No one said her name(it was Amy).


DAY TWO

Sun Hoo didn’t come in today. Maybe that calcium deposit took a turn for the worse. Maybe it’s all up to me now, sooner than I expected.
There’s left over fruit from a morning meeting in the pantry. Embarrassed, I can’t remember the last time I ate fruit and wonder what effect this has had on my body. My great uncle said when he got back from WWII he ate an entire head of lettuce. With a coffee stirrer I spear honeydew, watermelon, and pineapple, and think of my Great Uncle Rabbit.
For lunch I have a soggy salad and a slice of turkey and sun dried tomatoes on wheat crust pizza with ranch. The pills are with me, I just didn’t take them.
They say I’m here four to six weeks. What will I eat next...?