The Levinarian

Though time, space, and social awkwardness have conspired to separate us, let us not be separated!

"Weeping goes unheard; laughter does not" - Benjamin Franklin

Samuel Adams: "Is that crying yon?"

B.F.: "Nay. 'Tis but a backwards guffaw."

Name:
Location: Brooklyn, NY

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

JURY DUTY

After paying taxes, not stabbing others with a pen, and voting for a
President who does not stab others with a pen unless those others are thinking about purchasing a pen to stab you with first, JURY DUTY is our most important civic responsibility. Exactly how important is it..? Diane Sawyer hosts the 'Welcome to Jury Duty' orientation video that's how important it is.
I have had the honor of answering summons in Kings County of the Empire State of the North, and in Dekalb County of the Empire State of the South(Georgia). Should you find yourself lucky enough to be called to lick the brass fasteners in either crime ridden principality, the following may be of help*:

LEGAL DICTIONARY

voir dire (vwär-'dir) n. a preliminary examination to determine the competency of a witness or juror. [Anglo-French, literally, to speak the truth] Further reference: 'The Jury'; 'The Devil's Advocate'; 'Voir Dire 2: Dire Harder’.


SUMMONS ONE

Atlanta, GA

Joseph Richburg, your freshman RA, will assure you that as a political science major, there is NO WAY IN HELL you will be chosen, so at voir dire be amused but act apologetic when you tell the attorney your field of study.
Then the attorney will ask, "Have you taken any law classes?"
"Um, I was thinking about taking a criminal justice class..."
Congratulations, you are now the littlest juror!

The defense attorney will try to demonstrate that this is not some jury movie and this is not some jury TV show by asking every. single. one. of his witnesses if he has coached them in any way. This will not be as entertaining as a movie or TV show.

During a lull in deliberations, point out that since the first Korean shot the second Korean in the back with his second shot, he must be guilty. Congratulations, you’ve just sent someone to jail!

Before the convicted leaves the courtroom he will say to the prosecutor, “I wish you could have been there.” Resist temptation to say, "Hey, trial's over, and you lost."

As you pass the families on the way out of court, realize you’ve sentenced two people that day: a young kid to years of hard time, and yourself to a night of New Castle and 'X-Files'.


SUMMONS TWO

Atlanta, GA

You may consider wearing to voir dire your Superman t-shirt, the one that proclaims "Truth, Justice and the American Way". Don't.

When the defense attorney asks, "Is there anyone here that thinks my client is probably guilty?" forget that statistic you heard somewhere that 90% of people who go to trial are guilty, and keep your hand down. When you raise your hand anyway, don't be surprised to hear the grandfatherly judge patronize you with, "Don't you believe people should be considered innocent until proven guilty...?" because you've just raised your hand out of a jury, mister.


SUMMONS THREE

Brooklyn, New York

Welcome to the big time; the sidelines of World War III. Don't fight it. They’ve thought of everything. The clerk who reads the jury pool roster, for example, has this to say:

"You will not be dismissed until 5 o'clock. I repeat, you will not be dismissed until 5 o'clock. Do not come up here and ask me if you can leave early. You cannot leave at 3. You cannot leave at 330. You cannot leave at 4. You cannont leave at 430. You will be here until 5 o'clock."

“If I mispronounce your name, IT-IS-NOT-PERSONAL!” Check.

Realize that having started the 'Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006, 128 clue crossword puzzle, you must now finish the 'Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006, 128 clue crossword puzzle. You are exempt from finishing the crossword if you are retarded.

12pm - Start keeping track of time.

Attorney’s may ask what hobbies you’ve picked up while waiting for voir dire. In addition to enjoying the occasional JPN crossword, you might want to try profiling vending machine customers until lunch.

WM 18-30, E2 Twix, 75 cents
BF 18-30, E3 Cheetos, 50 cents
BM 30-45, E2 Twix, 75 cents
WM 30-45, D3 Pretzel Sticks, 70 cents
BM 23-50, B1 Fritos, 50 cents
AM 18-30, A1 Lays, 50 cents
AF 45-60, E8 Nature Valley Granola Bar, 75 cents
WF 21-49, E1 Peanut M&Ms, 75 cents
BF 30-45, E1 Peanut M&Ms, 75 cents
WF 30-45, D3 Pretzel Sticks, 70 cents

1230pm - Lunch! Ah, the world looks a little brighter now. While perusing downtown Brooklyn’s many eateries, keep in mind that ‘Samurai Sam’s’ Samurai Sucks.

145pm - There are two lawyers central casting has found for your Kings County voir dire: one speaks from a ruddy face with the high, genteel lilt of the South, while the other looks like Al Franken and sounds like Alan Dershowitz.
As you’re filling out your questionnaire:
North - “You want to be on this jury. This trial will be over in two, four days tops.”
South - “I’d be surprised if it goes to four days.”
North – “You get thrown back out there in the jury pool, you land on a criminal case, you’re there for two, three weeks.”
Feel disappointed when you’re not selected for their jury, and congratulate someone who has been selected.
Then realize North and South have just played ‘Good cop/Bad cop’ on you with the criminal justice system.
Back in the pool, fish.

255pm - It starts again. The calling of names that will determine your fate for the next one to five hundred and four hours.
“David..”
[Heart jumps!]
“…Black”
Poor bastard.

335pm - Begin to construct your own crossword puzzle, the answer to the final clue of which you will find in your heart, in your death tub:

ACROSS
1 PIN number
2 Your favorite color
4 Mom’s maiden name
7 Person you want to bed

DOWN
3 SS #
5 What’s holding you back
6 this one is a throwaway
8 What’s for dinner

404pm - Enjoy the relief and mild satisfaction that comes from finally completing the 128 clue ‘Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006 crossword puzzle. You are now qualified to serve on juries around the world.

424pm - See how the vending machine stake out is going. A woman pauses in front of the glass, but wills herself away.

430pm - Dismissed. You brought a jump rope to a Kings County knife fight. You are given a letter of exemption good for years until your county will need you again. But if your pen should find its way into the trachea of a choking person who doesn't make it, try not to dwell on all of those unsolved crossword clues.

*this is no substitution however for watching ‘Twelve Angry Men’(Sidney Lumet, 1957) the greatest ensemble jury acting of all time.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Bah, Lovebug: The Levinarian Romantic Year in Review

Post-Valentine's Day Assessment Test:

How did you spend Valentine's Day?

a) watching 'Lost'

b) watching 'Lost' with loved one

c) watching 'Lost' with prostitute

d) watching a PBS program on Heart Disease moderated by Larry King

How do you make the most contact with your current love interest?

a) over the internet

b) on the phone

c) with my hands, baby

d) screaming from the street

With which of the following movie quotes do you most closely identify this holiday?

"We are smart enough not to buy into the oldest myth running: love. A fiction created by people to keep them from jumping out of windows"
- Gordon Gekko, Wall Street

"Love. Where does it come from? Who lit this flame in us? No war can put it out; conquer it. I was a prisoner; you set me free"
- Soldier, The Thin Red Line

"You're terminated, fucker"
- Linda Hamilton, The Terminator

Here is a sampling from last year's box of chocolates:

Pie in the Sky: Who could this be...?

http://thelevinarian.blogspot.com/2006/07/beat-my-heart-skidnapped.html

Elise, of course, my fellow extra on a show that proved to be as fleeting as our love... I... can’t go on...

Status: "Looks like that pie ain't gettin' any closer to the ground…"

A Date:

http://thelevinarian.blogspot.com/2006/08/jetfire-was-my-wingman.html

Status: Friendly


A HOOK UP:

Don’t "hook up" or "makeout" with people from your own theater. Just don’t do it. I don't care how hungover and horny you are. Have you heard of masturbation? Well, the worm has definitely turned for you, my friend.*

She had pink hair and a pink-black soul. This did not turn out well.

Status: Christmas cards remain unexchanged

* Willem Dafoe, Platoon

A CRUSH:

WHAT did I tell you about getting involved with people at your own theater...?
Did you hear what I just said?
Crush defined here as “liking someone too much before all of the facts are in".
So what fact was I missing? Despite meeting her in an improv theater it took me too long to realize that "JB" is a dork. Dork defined here with the help of standup comic Tom Shillue as "a geek with too much confidence”.

Let's just say this also did not turn out so well.

Status: Crazy!


There were others, of course, but these were the most interesting/"best warning to others" of their respective categories. Have I learned anything...? See you next year!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Star Fucker

Despite the promises of a hundred plus years of “science-fiction”, real life space exploration thus far has been a snoozer. There’s no shortage of danger inherent in taking on the final frontier (there’s enough ‘Head and Shoulders’ on the beaches to prove that), but outerspace is missing that other juicy stake: sex. Colin Farrell and Christian Bale discovered The New World but the first person on Mars will be the robot daughter of Stephen Hawking. Where are the natives to fight and then woo and then genocide? Where are the little green Sacagawea’s to provide comfort and guidance on our way through the Northwest Anus? Where is the romantic allure of the cold vast vastness? The idea that the universe was created by something called ‘The Big Bang’ has become a cruel misnomer. This has not been helped by the portrait of astronauts as squeaky clean androids; nerd demi-Gods descended from MathOlympus. Even Hollywood’s attempts to humanize them have been pretty tame. ‘The Right Stuff’ is an excellent movie, but the infighting and peccadilloes of the Mercury astronauts were the peccadilloes of 1958, and today people only say ‘peccadillo’ when they’re drunk and imploring you to pick a sex toy. ‘Apollo 13’ showed us a swingin’ astronaut with gonorrhea, but filtered him through the twin lenses of Ron Howard and Kevin Bacon, and can I get some mayo for this feta and rice on white bread sandwich I call a ‘Hoboken’?

Now someone has come along and changed all of that. Accused of thinking about trying to kill the woman her space comMANder Bill Oefelein was putting rockets into, Astronaut Lisa Nowak has shown us that in space people aren’t just thinking about colliding with asteroids; they’re also thinking about colliding with their boss's asteroids. While manipulating that robotic arm, she probably fantasized using it to pluck Oefelein from the cockpit and fling him onto a fluffy bed. And for the crime of not being a calculator with metal legs, Lisa Nowak was arrested. WARNING! A HUMAN IS ONBOARD THIS SHUTTLE! Who hasn’t considered reaching out to a love rival while in disguise in an International Airport’s Long-term Parking? Parking lots are merely convenient places to approach people because that’s where both of your cars will end up…unless you arrived strapped to the bottom of theirs. SO she drove non-stop across the South wearing a diaper, big deal! That only shows the passion, ingenuity, and determination that got her into NASA in the first place. Plus, how could the police seriously accuse her of attempted murder while in the possession of pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing? These items had probably been in her car since the PTA Haunted House last October. No NASA astronaut would be caught dead on the way to a “gonna hurt ya” with anything less than a moon pistol(particle weapon used to pulverize objects in one’s flight path… of love). Things aren’t always what they seem. Tell me, did this tiger mother just use her jaws to move her cub out of harm’s way…



... or break its neck?

"Hey, Orlando County Sherrif’s Department! Dangerous white tiger on the loose! Better arrest it for kidnapping its own son!"

Lisa Nowak has shown those NASAndroids the variable that’s kept us from buying condos on Europa: unrequited love. As John Brown tried to unfreeze the slaves, Lisa Nowak has tried to unfreeze our hearts so that we may enslave other worlds. What she did wasn’t “pretty”, but it was pretty human.