I'd been living alone in Queens for almost two years when my friend Andy invited me to move into a house in Brooklyn he had just bought with Keyque, a business partner he’d met on craigslist who as it happens is gay and from Spain.
He tempted me with lower rent and a better neighborhood called "Greenpoint"but if you substitue the word 'Polish' for 'Green' you get a more accurate description. It's predominant ethnicity aside, it is a neighborhood with an amazing video store, and a healthy-ish food store called ‘The Garden’ that brought tears to my eyes the first time I walked inside like I was an immigrant spying Lady Liberty off the starboard bow(now ‘The Garden’ is just ‘eh’). These were the kinds of stores I imagined to be on every block in NYC, but were nowhere to be found between my basement apartment and the Ditmars Blvd. stop, the last stop on the N/W line, that was over 19 blocks away.
But it had been over four years since I’d had a roommate, and if I moved into Andy’s house I would have five.
"Would they be 'crazy' roommates or CRAZY roommates?" I asked.
"Oh, they'll be more of the CRAZY variety,” he said.
One CRAZY resident, Stacy, who had recently dislocated Andy’s shoulder after being accused of stealing ‘smokables’, would soon be leaving he assured me. Satisfied that nothing unpleasant would ever happen in the house again, I moved in. Of course more drama
was to follow, enough for an entire book, in fact, with chapters like “Hit Me Again, My Childhood Friend”, “There’s an Addict in the Basement” and “Stacy Strikes Back”, but despite all this and much more I had not seriously thought of leaving the drama house until Andy’s mortgage payments doubled and he threatened to increase the rent to “this is what I was paying to live by myself” prices, jerkface. So I looked to craigslist, and while I didn’t find a business partner from Spain, I did find several transsexual companions and the following:
"Two 20 Something Chicks looking for a new roommate in our Greenpoint Apartment.
Our fabulous apartment has 3 bedrooms, but one of our roomates is making the moving out to Queens on Febuary 1st. (what a traitor)!
The bedroom is really spacious, and really well lit because there are two huge windows in it. It has a rug, a good sized closet and is really big, did we say that already?
…If you can live with two cool girls you should reply to this post with some info about yourself, what you do and why you'd be a good fit. Not to put you on the spot... but try to be funny so we can be entertained ;)
We're really looking for:
Someone to pay their bills and rent on time
A 9-5er preferably but we don't discriminate.
Clean
Works for a living
Doesn't suck
Has a sense of humor
Sorry no pets!
Thanks!”
Here is my “funny” reply which I hope “entertained” them:
Hi,
I saw ad for room but am most interested in deep fryer. I have experience frying chicken based products but am looking to expand into vegetable and sandwich cookie areas. This is untapped market in NYC and I look forward to saturating it with smart and well-dressed individuals like yourself. My name is David and I work hours at Pfizer and make improv most nights. As a bonus, I bring shower radio. My number is [WHOO!] if you have interest.
Thanks a lot,
David
This was probably not the most informative or funniest response they received, but I thought it was cute, and maybe they’d found ‘Borat’ as so-so as I did. Then I realized(just now in fact) that their ad was not very entertaining and that the only girls I'd ever met that said "entertain me" were narcissistic black holes of boring from the midwest who had already assumed the shape most suited to their future of tv and baby production, so in hindsight I should have written something REALLY crazy because what the hell
Dear Two Cool Chicks,
Come and knock on our door... Jack Ritter here, your new roommate! HAHA, JK! My name’s not ‘Jack’(my name is, for now, my business), but like Jack I
do love to cook... and I don’t
always mean dinner, and I don’t
always mean in the kitchen LOL! Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of coming b/t you and your favorite room in the house. ;)
Hey, here’s a joke for you: why did your old roommate move out? Because she’s a fucking TRAITOR! Traitors are the WORST, and I know when she dies someday alone on the 7 train she’ll spend an eternity in Satan’s mouth between Brutus and a certain ex-friend of mine(long story I’ll have to tell you later over a big bowl of popcorn!). Wouldn't that just
bite? But traitors deserve it. All of them. I, however, am totally loyal to my roommates, and after I move in would only move out under one condition: never. In fact, I would follow you to any place you wanted to live, and if the two of you decided to live in different places, I would live equidistant from you like I did with my parents when I lived briefly in Bakersfield(my mom died soon after I got there, thank God! JK! ;P).
TOOT, TOOT! I’m great about bills, but I’m not a “bill Nazi” and it sounds like you’re not either, but I guess we’ll find out soon enough! &;>I] That’s a person winking in a horse harness and bit in case you couldn’t tell. I made it up myself, but feel free to use it! Just don’t take credit for it b/c we'll be sharing a bathroom! I'm also clean and have a job. You'd be surprised how many people don't ask about that! Also, I don’t have any pets, but if I did I’d send them to the bottom of “Bathtub Lake” for you. I guess that wouldn’t work on fish so I’d have to book them a ticket to "Santa’s Microwave Village" [;]*( … I’ll show you what that one means later. Have you ever had New England Clam Chowder at Pier 39 in SF? It’s almost as fabulous as my room sounds, but you can’t live in clam chowder, don’t I wish! As if you couldn’t tell by now, I far from suck, and everyday with me is like an episode of your favorite show on your favorite network on a 70” plasma screen you can never turn off. OMG I’m being so rude! My real name is Carrot Steve, your newest and most entertaining roommate(we could have a pageant to decide!). As a bonus, I bring shower radio.
Chicken Kung POW!
CS
Andy and I have compromised, and the need for me to leave the drama house has subsided.
As of this writing, my inquiry into the Greenpoint room share has gone unanswered.
