Halloween All Year Long

Here is a picture I found in the New York Times online from a slide show of costumes from around the world.



This is of Mara Jade Wisterman, 18 months old, of Tampa, Fla. The NYT doesn't mention this, but Mara has been named after a Star Wars character... from one of the NOVELS. I know this because I read that series about ten years ago, and it wasn't even very good. So those parents held onto this character's name "Mara Jade" for over a decade until they could escape authorities long enough to conceive and spawn. It's not as conspicuous as a hippy name like 'Moonbeam' or 'Yang' but its origin is also not as cute, and Mara Jade must carry this shameful secret as to her parent's fealty to science-fiction for the rest of her days. Actually in ten years or so when people start asking who she was named after, Star Wars geeks might seem as quaint a subculture as hippies do now. Lucky for Mara, her parents erred closer to the 'Leia' and not the 'Greedo' end of the SW spectrum.
"Well, if her parents are such SW freaks, how come she's not dressed as an Ewok?"
For the same reason people don't walk around as Storm Troopers at the Lucas Fourth of July BBQ(which, YES, I have attended): because for LucasArts and little Mara, it's Halloween all year long.

'Kidnapped: CANCELLED'...for REALS...

As my first paid acting gig and the subject of the first The Levinarian posting, the cancellation of 'Kidnapped' has hit me so hard, I can only express what I'm feeling through this

:(

Any hopes of reuniting on the set with the July 12 to August 9th loves of my life, Delroy Lindo and Alease Connecticut(since I never learned her last name, I've decided to name her after the region of Italy from which she came), has been cancelled and the window dressing that was the show along with it.
Can 'Rescue Me' and beaver-face be far behind?
Having never actually watched 'Kidnapped', I can't tell you "what went wrong", but if you, having never watched it don't know either, then we might be on to something. Efforts to blame this on what the New York Times called my "wooden and tawdry" background acting, or my July 30, 2006 The Levinarian birthday wish entry entitled 'Kidnapped: CANCELLED' could be justified. I must admit, this show was cancelled a long time ago in my heart, on or around August 10th.
So long, Delroy. Maybe someday Alease and I will meet on some subway platform, fall in love all over again, have kids, and irresponsibly leave them in a Safeway for you to waylay and wee-turn(I imagine our child, Jaden, having an adorable speech impediment. Maybe you could do something about that while you've got him).
Until then,
Elouise

PS. The same tv obit page that brought me news of Kidnapped's passing also reminded readers of the cancellation of another Richard Dean Anderson vehicle Delroy Lindo wasn't in: "MacGiver". MacGiver always found the most creative last minute gifts for people. I'll never forget the episode where he was about to leave the parking lot of a mall when he remembered his niece's birthday so he fashioned her a pipebomb from two shopping carts and a Vespa. The world could use another show like that right about now.

References

'FBI Clerk: The Series' The Levinarian, July 12, 2006

Un'Kidnapped' My Heart The Levinarian, July 16, 2006

The Beat My Heart S'Kidnapped' The Levinarian, July 18, 2006

'FBI Clerk Returns Home!' The Levinarian, July 19, 2006

'Kidnapped II: The Fantastic Return' The Levinarian, July 28, 2006

'Kidnapped: CANCELLED' The Levinarian, July 30, 2006

'Rescue Me: Cemetery Heat' The Levinarian, August 3, 2006

'Kidnapped' Soda Jerk The Levinarian, August 9, 2006

How to Get to Heaven

On the 7 train home last Friday there was a seat open next to a smiling young caucasian woman who seemed to be with another smiling young caucasian woman standing next to her. Young caucasian women do not take the 7 into Queens and if they do, they are certainly not smiling at me. Once a transexual smiled at me on Puerto Rican Pride Day, but that's about it. So as this was my lucky day, I said to the stander, "Do you want to sit down?"
"No, go ahead," they both agreed.
"Because if you don't sit down, I'm going to sit down," I said, sitting, everyone smiling away.
After I was next to the sitter, whom I would come to know as 'Meredith', I noticed the black leather book the stander, whom I would come to know as 'Ally', was holding. Looking around I now noticed the other smiling young caucasian boys and girls crowding the train. Many of them were holding black leather books as well. My chest tightened slightly with the knowledge that our banter and proximity had opened a conversation door to Jesus through which I would soon have to pass.
"We spent the day in Bryant Park," Ally said.
"Oh, really? What were you doing there?"
"Spreading the word of the Lord."
"Uh, huh!"
In an attempt to head-off whatever Jesus-sentence they were going to say next I asked in no mean way, "Why is it the 'Holy' Bible? Why not just the 'Bible'?" because nothing grinds religious talk to a halt faster than questions about the Bible.
Ally, the prettiest and therefore smartest of all the Christians replied, "If I just said 'Harry Potter', you wouldn't know which book I was talking about."
Dear Lord, they hate Harry Potter! I hate him, too, but for secular reasons, and what kind of relationship could we build on that foundation of lies?
I learned they were on their way to a bus back to Pottersville.
"Harry Pottersville?" wa-HAH!
"I never thought of that!" Meredith said. "I love Harry Potter! Have you read Harry Potter?"
So they're not THAT crazy which was a surprising relief.
"I'm saving it for retirement," I goddamn lied.
At this point, Ally was done fucking around.
"Do you believe in Heaven?"
"No."
"So what do you think happens after you die?"
"Nothing."
"So you're just chillin' in the ground?"
"No, you're not 'chillin'. You cease to exist."
Ally, in a credit to her missionary savviness, did not argue with me.
At Courthouse Square I got up. I don't remember if Ally said 'Goodbye' but on my way to the doors Meredith asked, almost apologetically, "Do you mind if I give you something?" I hesitated. But if it helps Meredith on her way to a toaster, why not?

This reminds me of what they drop on enemy soldiers to get them to surrender... in 'Three Kings'.
As you can see, it doesn't have Meredith's number on it, but it does have simple instructions on how to hook up with her down the road. If you get there first, wait for me there, Meredith baby!

Now you know how to avoid muggings in Greenpoint, AND eternal damnation.

How to Flirt Online

Several years ago I tried internet dating. Above was my photo and the caption read: "You have the right to remain... sexy" (The photo's from a kid's show I worked on where I met my friend Yang).

Over a year and a half period I wound up dating about 14 women, one of whom I dated for FOUR months(still friends, not crazy) and the other for one month(not friends, crazy-ish). Perhaps I would've dated more if people weren't so interested in things like "chemistry" and "physical attraction." What happened to falling in love? I guess there's no time for things like that in today's modern world. In olden times, people would go out on dates after a long day in the fields and they would stick with that person because they were too tired to do any serious looking around. So it was with interest that I read an article on how to flirt your way through email to that first date. An article on turning that first date into more dates would've been MORE helpful, but...
Imagine reading the questions below in an email from someone you only knew online, but were thinking about dating(Hi!) and come up with your own nutty answers!

10 email flirting questions

Where did you get that fantastic smile?
Mail order bride. Do you want to see my stomach?

What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
If you were low-fat frozen yogurt swirled with Irish liqueur and scooped out into two 36C blue cups, then you would be my new favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor: "Sarah Stout and Smurfy"(change 'Sarah' where appropriate).

What is the most romantic place that you've been on a date?
Time travel date of watching you at my funeral. After several moments I'd walk up behind you and say, "Hey, look who's not dead." or "Hey, he looks like he was one hell of a lover."

What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
I'd eat you last with Hot Sauce and Ranch.

If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
Take you to a restaurant where I could watch you stuff your cute little rabbit face with salad.

What is your favorite thing to do with a partner for fun?
Strip "Axis and Allies". The build-up is almost unbearable. You won't be able to lose your Home Islands fast enough, my little Tojo.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
Time travel date: the place where you are going to die so I could surround it with razor-wire and pumas as a warning of the dangers of falling in love.

How long have you played guitar? (Ask about something in their profile.)
I took lessons in Nashville when I was ten, but then stopped when we moved to Atlanta. My freshman year roommate played so I picked it up again, but stopped after about a year. If I weren't such a quitter, I'd be amazing by now. I have guitar songs on my computer if you want to hear something...

Wow, is that your cute golden retriever? (Compliment something in their photograph.)
It belongs to my downstairs neighbor Keyque who is gay and from Spain. He named it 'Brooklyn' because that's where we live. If he were still in Spain I guess he'd name it 'Western Hemisphere'.

When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)
Oh, 'Sarah Stout and Smurfy', don't you know anything...?