'Rescue Me: Cemetery Heat'
Yonkers is a zombie movie set waiting for a zombie outbreak to happen. And at six am Monday July 31st, we arrive. Three busloads of extras: policemen and mourners on the way to a funeral and a wedding for 'Rescue Me'.
No, Alease is not among them. But I do meet a skinny Irish girl from south Jersey named Shannon with a beaver like mouth-area which, any prejudice against beavers aside, is not unattractive. We stand together three rows out from the casket. Somehow it's... just not the same.
Holding is in ANOTHER Polish cultural center, the Polainaisse, which is a large meeting hall made from tangy white sandwich spread.
Hey, breakfast! Extras treat meal lines like there's an electric chair at the end of it because standing around all day complaining consumes about half a million calories. The guy in front of me piles sausage patties on his plate. When he realizes there's only one left he says, "Well, I don't want to be greedy..." but hesitates putting back one of the five patties from his plate so I just grab it off, hit him with my club, urinate on him and paint a mural of the exchange on the cave wall when I get home.
I feel like I should be 'socializing' or 'networking' so at my table I meet adorable senior citizen Glen Danks. Glen tells an amusing story about how he was the only person who argued with his boss, Jacob Michaels, "probably the richest Jew in the world at the time" who sold bonds out of Germany until Hitler came along and then Jacob Michaels had to twenty-three skeedoo out of there before coming to America so Glen could argue with him. Two people passed out from the 100 degree heat in the cemetery that morning, but you know damn well for sure who didn't: Glen "I stood up to the probably the richest Jew in the world at the time" Danks.
At the cemetery assembles the all-star cast: Denis Leary, Callie Thorpe('Homicide' and 'The Wire'!)Tatum O'Neal, Charles Durning, and Anthony Michael Hall. During a break, a teenager at the funeral must've asked D.L. a stupid fucking question because myself and a bunch of others listen to the following paraphrase with petrified delight:
"You got a computer, kid? Type into your search engine 'Denis Leary' one 'n' and you'll find what movies I was in. That way you don't have to waste my time with stupid fucking questions." At this point I'd like to point out that D.L. looks great for a smoking man of 50. "Ask me about 'White Palm's, this little movie I made in the 90s and even if you haven't seen it, I'll think 'Oh, this is a smart kid. Get him some pizza.' In between jerking off, do some research. See that guy? Has 13 Emmy nominations. Ask him about that and he'll probably go, 'Hey, smart kid. Let's hire him again, maybe I'll make him my assistant.'"
And that's how it's done, folks! Be smart with your stupid fucking questions. But, kid, here's some advice D.L. won't give you: if he comes to your 'hood to shoot, and you meet John Clifford waiting to take his picture, just pick up your groceries and walk home, kid. Hey, kid, are you listening to me, kid?
On the bus ride back to the cemetary at lunch, I decide to sit in the back tucked snuggly away next to the lavatory so I can rest longer as I'll be the last one off. I wake to an empty bus with no idea how much time has passed. Only five minutes as it turns out. Not a huge deal, but find a bus buddy, kid, or don't sit in the back.
In the cemetary, I can't find my first page of notes and realize the stationary I'd been using says 'David N. Levin' on it is like a map that could lead the white man straight back to the Cheyenne camp. Hopefully, it's in the Polanaisse.
Huddle us up and say what a great job we're doing especially you cops in your polyester uniforms. You know what else you're doing great? Bugging the actors and taking pictures with your camera-phones. Let's act like professionals, people. And great job.
Whoops!
Oopsy!
These pictures were actually taken BEFORE the speech and who cares.
On the walk back from the bus to the Polanaisse I see my page of notes on the sidewalk. Lucky. If you're going to take notes, be smart about it, kid, and don't use the stationery your grandmother made for you as a way to make her happy in a heaven you don't believe in. She's no where near this cemetery.
We leave after a 13 hour day which apparently isn't THAT bad. But it is if you're the fellow waiting on the bus in front of me and you'd spent all day in a new shirt and new haircut waiting to get noticed and now you spout the following complaints which I will interpret as best I can. Keep in mind he's not addressing me, but anyone who in range who will listen:
"Over here, over there. Almost as descriptive as shit."[critique of directions from crew]
"Duh, huh, what? Huh, duh, huh, what?" [more illustrative critique of the above]
"It's like 'Night of the Living Dead' these people"[reference to popular horror film featuring dead risen from the grave or 'the undead' being used to describe background artists]
"Why don't they go to Bellview, and get'em from Bellview? It'd be an improvement."[sanitorium suggested as source for future extras]
"Your Barbie Dolls will wait, honey!"[?????]
He was close with the 'Night of the Living Dead' as we(the extras) all stumbled hot, and exhausted out of that Yonkers cemetery in a shambles, and alive.
No, Alease is not among them. But I do meet a skinny Irish girl from south Jersey named Shannon with a beaver like mouth-area which, any prejudice against beavers aside, is not unattractive. We stand together three rows out from the casket. Somehow it's... just not the same.
Holding is in ANOTHER Polish cultural center, the Polainaisse, which is a large meeting hall made from tangy white sandwich spread.
Hey, breakfast! Extras treat meal lines like there's an electric chair at the end of it because standing around all day complaining consumes about half a million calories. The guy in front of me piles sausage patties on his plate. When he realizes there's only one left he says, "Well, I don't want to be greedy..." but hesitates putting back one of the five patties from his plate so I just grab it off, hit him with my club, urinate on him and paint a mural of the exchange on the cave wall when I get home.
I feel like I should be 'socializing' or 'networking' so at my table I meet adorable senior citizen Glen Danks. Glen tells an amusing story about how he was the only person who argued with his boss, Jacob Michaels, "probably the richest Jew in the world at the time" who sold bonds out of Germany until Hitler came along and then Jacob Michaels had to twenty-three skeedoo out of there before coming to America so Glen could argue with him. Two people passed out from the 100 degree heat in the cemetery that morning, but you know damn well for sure who didn't: Glen "I stood up to the probably the richest Jew in the world at the time" Danks.
At the cemetery assembles the all-star cast: Denis Leary, Callie Thorpe('Homicide' and 'The Wire'!)Tatum O'Neal, Charles Durning, and Anthony Michael Hall. During a break, a teenager at the funeral must've asked D.L. a stupid fucking question because myself and a bunch of others listen to the following paraphrase with petrified delight:
"You got a computer, kid? Type into your search engine 'Denis Leary' one 'n' and you'll find what movies I was in. That way you don't have to waste my time with stupid fucking questions." At this point I'd like to point out that D.L. looks great for a smoking man of 50. "Ask me about 'White Palm's, this little movie I made in the 90s and even if you haven't seen it, I'll think 'Oh, this is a smart kid. Get him some pizza.' In between jerking off, do some research. See that guy? Has 13 Emmy nominations. Ask him about that and he'll probably go, 'Hey, smart kid. Let's hire him again, maybe I'll make him my assistant.'"
And that's how it's done, folks! Be smart with your stupid fucking questions. But, kid, here's some advice D.L. won't give you: if he comes to your 'hood to shoot, and you meet John Clifford waiting to take his picture, just pick up your groceries and walk home, kid. Hey, kid, are you listening to me, kid?
On the bus ride back to the cemetary at lunch, I decide to sit in the back tucked snuggly away next to the lavatory so I can rest longer as I'll be the last one off. I wake to an empty bus with no idea how much time has passed. Only five minutes as it turns out. Not a huge deal, but find a bus buddy, kid, or don't sit in the back.
In the cemetary, I can't find my first page of notes and realize the stationary I'd been using says 'David N. Levin' on it is like a map that could lead the white man straight back to the Cheyenne camp. Hopefully, it's in the Polanaisse.
Huddle us up and say what a great job we're doing especially you cops in your polyester uniforms. You know what else you're doing great? Bugging the actors and taking pictures with your camera-phones. Let's act like professionals, people. And great job.
Whoops!
Oopsy!
These pictures were actually taken BEFORE the speech and who cares.
On the walk back from the bus to the Polanaisse I see my page of notes on the sidewalk. Lucky. If you're going to take notes, be smart about it, kid, and don't use the stationery your grandmother made for you as a way to make her happy in a heaven you don't believe in. She's no where near this cemetery.
We leave after a 13 hour day which apparently isn't THAT bad. But it is if you're the fellow waiting on the bus in front of me and you'd spent all day in a new shirt and new haircut waiting to get noticed and now you spout the following complaints which I will interpret as best I can. Keep in mind he's not addressing me, but anyone who in range who will listen:
"Over here, over there. Almost as descriptive as shit."[critique of directions from crew]
"Duh, huh, what? Huh, duh, huh, what?" [more illustrative critique of the above]
"It's like 'Night of the Living Dead' these people"[reference to popular horror film featuring dead risen from the grave or 'the undead' being used to describe background artists]
"Why don't they go to Bellview, and get'em from Bellview? It'd be an improvement."[sanitorium suggested as source for future extras]
"Your Barbie Dolls will wait, honey!"[?????]
He was close with the 'Night of the Living Dead' as we(the extras) all stumbled hot, and exhausted out of that Yonkers cemetery in a shambles, and alive.
posted by DvDLvN | 3:19 PM
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