Captain America Finally Dead
Stever Rogers, better known to the world as Captain America died today, felled by a sniper’s bullet. He was old.
Forged in the bowels of World War II, Captain America would become the living embodiment of an American dream by proving that a scrawny kid from Brooklyn can(with the help of a government super-serum) live a long life crushing his enemies between two garbage can lids.
BONG! “Can you hear me now?” became his battle cry that would echo across a thousand battlefields around what he liked to call “Battlefield Earth”. With his blond hair, blue eyes and white skin “Cap” proved to be the perfect weapon against the enemy he was created to defeat: Captain Hitler. Defeat him he did, but Captain America is probably best known for raising the flag on Mt. Suribachi over Iwo Jima. The government later used Captain America’s immense popularity to sell war bonds to the Japanese... in Japan. He is credited with making the ‘Manhattan Project’ financially possible.
After the war, when others went home, he remained vigilant, and had a kind of passive-aggressive thing going with his former ally Captain Soviet Union. While they never fought each other directly, Captain America never turned down an opportunity to fight Captain Soviet Union’s friends: Captain North Korea, Captain North Vietnam, and Colonel Omar Qaddafi. The turning point came in 1989 when Captain America used his garbage can lids to smash Captain Soviet Union into a lot of smaller Captains. The largest of the Captain Soviet Union chunks, Captain Russia, soon became close friends with Captain America ... or really more like acquaintances, I guess….things are actually a little weird right now.
And now that decades of combat experience have been erased by a single sneaky sniper’s bullet, the world wonders: “Really, a sniper…? What took them so long?”
Government buildings will fly garbage can lids at half mast tomorrow, and no doubt their familiar BONG! will ring long through the night.
Cap, we can hear you now.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a funeral to attend. I think I’ll bring a friend.
Forged in the bowels of World War II, Captain America would become the living embodiment of an American dream by proving that a scrawny kid from Brooklyn can(with the help of a government super-serum) live a long life crushing his enemies between two garbage can lids.
BONG! “Can you hear me now?” became his battle cry that would echo across a thousand battlefields around what he liked to call “Battlefield Earth”. With his blond hair, blue eyes and white skin “Cap” proved to be the perfect weapon against the enemy he was created to defeat: Captain Hitler. Defeat him he did, but Captain America is probably best known for raising the flag on Mt. Suribachi over Iwo Jima. The government later used Captain America’s immense popularity to sell war bonds to the Japanese... in Japan. He is credited with making the ‘Manhattan Project’ financially possible.
After the war, when others went home, he remained vigilant, and had a kind of passive-aggressive thing going with his former ally Captain Soviet Union. While they never fought each other directly, Captain America never turned down an opportunity to fight Captain Soviet Union’s friends: Captain North Korea, Captain North Vietnam, and Colonel Omar Qaddafi. The turning point came in 1989 when Captain America used his garbage can lids to smash Captain Soviet Union into a lot of smaller Captains. The largest of the Captain Soviet Union chunks, Captain Russia, soon became close friends with Captain America ... or really more like acquaintances, I guess….things are actually a little weird right now.
And now that decades of combat experience have been erased by a single sneaky sniper’s bullet, the world wonders: “Really, a sniper…? What took them so long?”
Government buildings will fly garbage can lids at half mast tomorrow, and no doubt their familiar BONG! will ring long through the night.
Cap, we can hear you now.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a funeral to attend. I think I’ll bring a friend.
posted by DvDLvN | 5:15 PM
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