The Levinarian

A Brief History of "Merry Christmas"

2007-12-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

Some time after the formation of Christianity people decided to celebrate Christmas and they said "Merry Christmas" to one another without batting an eye. Several years later political correctness kicked in, and I wound up attending a university that embraced it whole heartedly. It embraced it so heartedly that when my History of the Pacific War professor wished me a "Merry Christmas" on the library steps at the end of my first semester sophomore year, I was shocked. What was he playing at? Surely he had gotten the memo. He was a Dean. But he was old(ish), venerable and Southern and I know it was meant more as a gesture of goodwill than as an invitation to join the Klan. While I absolved Dean Hyatt of his innocent transgression, in years since I have been less forgiving to "Merry Christmas" wishers who are not Dean's of major universities:

"Merry Christmas!" says the grocery clerk.

"Happy Kwanza!" says I.

You assumed I celebrated Christmas because I am white, and now I am making assumptions about you, person who is also white.

"Merry Christmas!" says the pharmacist.

"Same to you!" says I.

If you meant only goodwill towards me then I want to wish you that in return, ignoramus. If however you meant "Jews can suck it!" then I want to wish you a similar sentiment in return.*

This year in New York I've heard so many "Happy Holidays!" from so many people that I almost wonder if they are afraid to say anything else for fear that the "Same to you!" person that they've heard about is me(it is). It makes me want to hug them and say "I can see you!" like at the end of that 80's Twilight Zone episode 'To See the Invisible Man' where a man sentences himself to 'invisibility' by hugging an 'invisible' woman because he knows what it's like to have been himself invisible. I don't know what I have in common with these "Merry Christmas" wishers to make me want to hug them, but now I happily say it back.
Recent exchange in Miami:

"Merry Christmas!" says the latin grocery woman.

"Feliz Navidad!" I say.

"Merry Christmas" repeats the grocery woman.

So at the risk of offending you that have not taken this journey(such as it is) The Levinarian wishes you a very "Merry Christmas" although you will probably be reading this days, if not weeks later.

The following is a Christmas themed edition of "CONDEMONIUM", the never published comic strip my Grandfather Lee Martin created in the early 80s. He died May 18, 2004. Enjoy!

I spent today, Merry Christmas Day, at my aunt's god daughter's house. There were ten of us in toto. Below, print agent, I model a gift

And I think we've found next year's Christmas card

That's Orson Welles with his mother.

Buenos noches to another Feliz Navidad, mi amigos

* The verbal jujitsu that is "Same to you!" can cover many bases.

A Polish Joke

2007-11-16T22:11:00.000-05:00

A Jewish guy walks up to a healthy food store's deli. He wants six buffalo wings. There are no buffalo wings. Disappointed but undeterred he orders a burrito. As the Polish teenager behind the counter weighs and wraps the burrito, a second Polish teenager whispers something to the first, and they both laugh.
"What's so funny?" the Jewish guy asks.
"Nothing," says the first Polish teenager.
"Something was funny. What was it?" the Jewish guy persists.
"It was a Polish Joke," the Polish teenager says.
"The only Polish jokes I know are insulting to the Polish", the Jewish guy says immediately wondering if this was the smartest thing to say.
The second Polish teenager says he'll tell the joke, and another Polish deli worker comes over to listen.
Suddenly worried as to the content of the joke he's about to hear, the Jewish guy realizes that the Polish teenager cannot say anything too controversial without risk of being fired from this Polish store in this Polish neighborhood.
After a moment, the second Polish teenager begins:

A Russian, a German, and a Pole are outside a cave. The Russian has a knife, the German has a rifle, and the Pole has a flashlight. The Russian goes into the dark cave and hears a voice say, "I'm going to pull your skin off, and then I'm going to eat you!" The Russian gets scared, and runs out. The German goes into the cave, and hears a voice say, "I'm going to pull your skin off, and then I'm going to eat you!" The German drops his rifle and runs out. The Pole goes into the cave and the voice says, "I'm going to pull your skin off, and then I'm going to eat you!" The Pole turns on his flashlight, and sees a monkey holding a banana.

"It's funnier in Polish", the second Polish teenager says.
The Jewish guy takes his burrito and walks away.
On the way to the checkout, the Jewish guy grabs the last container of Chocolate Chunk 'One Smart Cookie's, and a bag of Guiltless Gourmet Baked Chili Lime Chips to go with the mild garden organic salsa he has waiting at home. He already has a bag of Guiltless Gourmet Baked Chili Lime Chips at home, but they've been opened and there might not be enough large chips left with which to eat the salsa. At home, the Jewish guy eats the burrito and cookies, but has yet to open the new bag of Guiltless Gourmet Chips.

Sex Advice from Movie Extras on Nerve.com... EXPOSED!

2007-10-31T16:55:00.001-04:00

Nerve.com recently asked me(by way of my friend Misha[thanks, Misha!]) to participate in their "Sex advice from..." column. They sent me a list of questions and chose some of the answers to include on their website below to the accompaniment of this picture

http://www.nerve.com/regulars/sexadvicefrom/movieextras/

Or if you can't login, you can just read them here:

I love having my toes sucked, but I'm scared my girlfriend won't be into it. Any advice on introducing the topic tactfully?

Watch The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and during the post-movie talk ask, "What about that girl who liked toe-sucking? Have you ever tried that?"

I'm not the most well-endowed guy. How can I make up for what I'm lacking in size?

There should be many solutions to this in your spam folder.

My girlfriend lives with her parents. I'm homeless and couch surfing. We're getting tired of having sex in my car. What's the best way we find some alone time?

Try a $15-an-hour rehearsal studio at Champions Rehearsal Space, and please let me know if this works.

I have a big crush on someone who works as a movie extra. How can I bag him?

Just ask him, but when you do, substitute "extra" with "background artist."

What do you tell potential hookups about being an extra that helps seal the deal?

If the deal-sealer is that you're an extra, something's definitely wrong.

Have you had any good on-set hookups?

Delroy Lindo once patted me on the shoulder.

Pretty tame stuff. And with good reason: had they printed the unedited answers, my life would grind to a halt for all of the sex I would be having. While that may sound like a good thing, the editor warned me that it would, in fact, be an unmitigated disaster. So run for the hills, because the box is now open, and much of what has spilled out below is in poor taste

I slept with my roommate's boyfriend. I was drunk and don't remember,but he swears it happened. Do I have to tell her?

Good for you, and shame on him for taking advantage of you while drunk. Spin this.

I've been out with a new girl three times. I don't want it to go on any longer because I think she's a little unstable. She keeps calling. How can I let her down easily?

Does she still wanna bang? What's wrong with you, Cassanova...?

I love having my toes sucked, but I'm scared my girlfriend won't be into it. Any suggestions on how to introduce the topic?

Watch '40 year old Virgin' and then in the middle of post-movie talk insert "What about that girl that liked toe-sucking…? Have you ever tried that?" Eh?

Say you're not the most well-endowed guy. How can you make up for what you're lacking in size?

There should be many solutions to this in your spam folder. Become an expert at everything that doesn't involve penetration. Consider a 'shopping date' at 'Toys in Babeland'. This is what my 'friend' suggests; my friend with a small penis who is nothing like me, OH!

I want to have sex while I'm on my period, how can I make my boyfriend feel less weird about it?

Watch the unedited edition of 'Angel Heart' with him and then in the middle of post-movie talk insert "What about that dream sequence where Mickey Rourke has sex with Lisa Bonet while they're covered in blood…? Have you ever tried that?" Eh? But seriously, baby, I'll bet he'd do anal given the chance. Compare and contrast the humours. OR tell him you're asking only because you feel THAT comfortable with him, and that it'll help his favorite football team win the Super Bowl World Series Cup.

I accidentally read my boyfriend's email and found out he's having dinner with an ex and didn't tell me. Should I bring it up?

Ask him if he's looking to spice things up with another parnter. If he says "maybe" say "Is it that bitch you're having dinner with?" and then bang'em like there's no tomorrow.

My girlfriend lives with her parents and I'm couch surfing. We're getting tired of having sex in my car. What can we do to find some alone time?

Try a $15/hour rehearsal space at Champions. Please let me know if this works. I heard they shot a porn there once. So make less noise than that... unless you need some extras, AY!

I have a huge crush on a girl, but until now I've only been with guys. How can I make a move without seeming like I don't know what I'm doing?

In the parking lot at the 'Enchantment Under the Sea' dance, wait until I'm being a jerk to her, and then knock Biff out cold, BING!

What's the best movie to watch with someone you want to bed?

Why a movie of you bedding someone else, of course. Nothing gets people hotter than seeing other people in action. It works on their 'sneak preview' instinct. That's the best part of going to the movies, right? Only it ain't the best part of this movie, baby.

I have a big crush on someone who works as a movie extra, what's the best way to get him to go out with me?

Ask him. Possibly substitute the word 'extra' with 'background artist', and the words 'go out' with 'bang'.

How has working as an extra made you better in bed?

After many hours of waiting around, I can concentrate on a moment's notice, although I believe many people are capable of this. It's what I do when I concentrate that's gonna make you dump that drawer full of pop guns, baby.

Is there anything you tell potential bedmates about being an extra that helps to seal the deal?

If the deal sealer is that you're an extra, something's definitely wrong somewhere, so let's get down till we make it right.

Years ago, I was a naked extra in a film. My girlfriend of two years is pretty conservative and I'm scared to tell her. Do I have to own up, or will what she doesn't know not hurt her?

Don't worry, I'll mention it to her the next time we're bangin', OH!

Have you had any good on-set hook ups or sexual encounters?

Is sex all you think about, baby?

Is there anything you won't do on screen, or for your job? Where do you draw the line?

Baby, why aren't we bangin' right now?

No matter what effect the above has on your life, sexual or otherwise, I hope it helps assuage what Joseph Conrad told us during the opening screen shot of the 1984 C64 game 'ALIEN':

TRAINWRECK... where plays collided!

2007-10-29T16:27:00.000-04:00

Sunday night October 28, 2007 at the Magnet Theater was the fourth installment of

TRAINWRECK!

Five scenes from four plays were performed in the first half of the show. Like the audience, the actors didn't know what the other scenes to be performed were until the night of the show. In the second half, the actors came back as their characters and improvised new scenes with the characters from the other plays. Like the first three shows, this one was a blast. All pictures were taken using my Motorola camera-phone. Thanks for being there, Verizon.

THE SCENES

Jack Goes Boating by Bob Glaudini

Jack (Shawn Wickens) and Connie (Mary Archbold)

The Pillowman by Martin McDonagh

Dave Koenig as Ariel, Tim Wersan as Karturian, TJ Mannix as Tupolski

TJ Mannix as Tupolski(back), and Tim Wersan as Karturian

Assassins book by John Weidman

Desiree Nash as Lynnette "Squeaky" Fromme and Ashley Ward as Sara Moore

Inherit the Wind by Jerome Lawrence and Robert Edwin Lee

Justin Zell as Henry Drummond and Adam Nowak as Matthew Brady

And then there was a second short scene from Jack Goes Boating which is actually depicted above.

THE IMPROV

Shawn is "tied up" on the floor here.

THE PROMOTIONAL ELECTRIC POSTER

Can you name the plays from which the dialogue above was taken? Can you even read it? If so you probably know a lot about plays and have pretty good eyesight. See answers below.

What did I have to do with this? Well, I directed the scenes in the first half, and more or less put it all together. It's a lot of work and rehearsals for a one night show, but they were a talented cast which made it more than worth it.

Thanks to everyone who came out, and the Magnet for all of its support.

Until next time.... CHOO-CHOOOOO!

(Answers left to right: Martha - Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?; Ricky Roma - Glengarry Glen Ross; Jessie - 'night Mother; Stanley - A Streetcar Named Desire)

unlunched

2007-10-16T14:16:00.000-04:00

For four months I’d eaten Louis Rich Turkey Sandwiches sometimes loaded with Guiltless Chili-Lime cornchips, sometimes not, while I waited in a hot room in Greenpoint for a mission, and for my sins they gave me one, and it was a real doozy: active duty VietPfizernam. Closer to the VietPfizernam of ‘South Park’ than the VietPfizernam of 'Aliens' I actually welcomed the job and the subsidized cafeteria of plenty it would bring. Before bed that night, I made a list of things I'd need:

_Metrocard, 10/24 exp.

_anti-Pizza4lunch pills

Famished, I lay in bed, waiting.

DAY ONE

Morning
My contact's name is Sun Hoo. She's going away on medical leave, something about a calcium deposit, and take a big fat guess who’s taking her place: that's right, yours truly: me: David Levin, the guy writing this. It's a new department I don't really understand, but I know the lingo, every good temp does, and the cafeteria’s only two flights down. In the hallways I run into a few ghosts of adminpast:

"Ken!"

"Helen!"

"Joauqin!"

Somewhere a Blackberry moans.

Noon
At lunch, I get ambushed. Someone's being promoted and they're sending her off in style and take a big fat guess who's going along for the ride: that's right, still me. Eight of us(down from 13, and I don't ask what happened to the other five) hump four blocks of exhaust and asphalt to the Delegate's Cafeteria at the United Nations. Never thought I'd see the inside of this place, but Sun Hoo's arranged everything and three security checks later we're in.
Here's the thing about the UN: everyone looks like they're from someplace else. But they've all come together for one purpose: to unite nations, and occasionally eat food from them. In the Delegate’s cafeteria this week they're celebrating food from Portugal. I've been to Portugal and I make sure everybody knows it. According to the AAA guide book Portugal is still very much a poor country but I guess they went all out to impress their fellow UN countrymen with this buffet spread. In the dining room we join people who wear their eccentricities with an ease I can only assume comes from owning the bomb.
At our table, Kofi Annan brings us bread, and Kruschev serves us coffee. While we butter and eat the bread I think "Did you people not see the buffet we passed? What are you waiting for!?" but as the greenie, the low guy on the totem-pole, the one no one knows and everyone expects won’t be around much longer, I keep quiet and look out the window. The view across the East River is as diplomatically idyllic a one as mankind could hope for with equal views of Long Island City, Queens, and Greenpoint, Brooklyn, with Staten Island and the Bronx floating conveniently out of sight. Finally someone from our table gets up and we get to explore and judge what the conquistadors of Brazil have to offer:

'Churchyard's Rose' Salted Portugean Cod – meh

Portugean Pork pieces – meh

Portugean Jugged Chicken - this is pretty good

Portugean Sauteed Broccoli Rabe – not too shabby

Baked Sea Bass from off the coast of 'you guessed it'– delicious! And they serve it out of a fish!

Portugean Chickpea and Watercress Soup – many of my new comrades went ga-ga over this and it was pretty good for a Radisson.

Venison prepared Portugean-style – not too shabby

Portugean Pinenut and raisin rice - many of my new comrades went ga-ga over this and it was pretty good for a Radisson.

Portugean Mesclun salad w/honey mustard vinegarette – I believe I could get this almost anywhere

Octopus arms, Portugese-style – about the length and diameter of two index fingers. This is pretty good.

Desserts:

Maria's Portugean cookie cake – Maria, marry-a me

Portugean Lemon bar cake – Mrs. Langberg, your lemon bars have been supplanted. You may now die.

There was a lounge in the men’s room should synchronized urination lead to diplomacy. The lounge was empty. I exited the restroom to find my company on their way out of the Delegate’s Cafeteria, me already forgotten. On the walk back, I thanked everybody for lunch and wished the woman leaving the group good luck. No one said her name(it was Amy).

DAY TWO

Sun Hoo didn’t come in today. Maybe that calcium deposit took a turn for the worse. Maybe it’s all up to me now, sooner than I expected.
There’s left over fruit from a morning meeting in the pantry. Embarrassed, I can’t remember the last time I ate fruit and wonder what effect this has had on my body. My great uncle said when he got back from WWII he ate an entire head of lettuce. With a coffee stirrer I spear honeydew, watermelon, and pineapple, and think of my Great Uncle Rabbit.
For lunch I have a soggy salad and a slice of turkey and sun dried tomatoes on wheat crust pizza with ranch. The pills are with me, I just didn’t take them.
They say I’m here four to six weeks. What will I eat next...?

Kurt V and Me

2007-04-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

Born in Indianapolis in 1922, Kurt Vonnegut grew up during the Great Depression. On his way to serve as a POW in World War II, his mother committed suicide. But they don’t let you out of the BIG ONE for things like ‘dead mother’ so during his POW stint he survived the firebombing of Dresden which is estimated to have killed as many as 200, 000 people. His experience with suffering spawned a simple philosophy which I occasionally, sadly choose to ignore: “Be kind to one another”.

The following is a timeline of how Kurt Vonnegut has affected my life. Some dates have been approximated for fun.

July 30, 1974 – The words “Kurt”, “Vonnegut” and “Jr.” appear nowhere in my name.

October 15, 1988 – Read ‘Harrison Bergeron’ in a short story anthology for high school English Class. Its accompanying illustration is a little too literal for my taste. Let’s leave something to the imagination, shall we, Mr. Norton?*

May 30, 1996 – After college at Emory in Atlanta, Mitch Perlman becomes my roommate bringing with him an extensive Vonnegut collection.

June 15, 1996 – One of the web designers at iXL video where I’m interning puts a trivia question on a site which probably should have read as follows:

Question: “How many times does the phrase ‘So it goes’ appear in Kurt Vonnegut’s ‘Slaughter House Five’?

Answer: You are a nerd.

September 6, 1996 – Read Mitch Pearlman’s copy of ‘Slaughter House Five’. Somewhat disappointed.

September 20, 1996 – Read Mitch Pearlman’s copy of ‘Breakfast of Champions’. The great Vonnegut Binge of '96-97 begins.

December 27, 1996 – Find copy of ‘Deadeye Dick’ at used bookstore in Miami. Feel slightly guilty that he won’t profit from the purchase.

March 1, 1997 – Bored and possibly unemployed, head to Decatur Public Library and read literary criticism of Vonnegut. I don’t remember anything, but the gist of it was they like him.

March 5, 1997 –Luke Anderson recently recounted the following anecdote which took place around or about the date posted. The following has been edited for in-jokes:

“Briefly, I really did bump into Mr. Vonnegut standing in the hallway outside of a St. Louis college or high school theater that was doing a world premiere of his play. But it was he who was coming out of the play. I was already in the hallway because I'd come late. I'm going to have to re-remember everything about it and get back to you...it might very well have been exactly 10 years prior to last month's "brain injury"...give or take a month or so. Can't rightly say.”

The Levinarian:
“But the bookstore you were working at was selling his books at the performance, and you had to leave early because you were hosting movie night.”

Luke:
“We weren't selling his books, but I was working at the bookstore, and I was hosting movie night… Anyway, I arrived late, and/or knew that it was sold out and that I couldn't stay long so it wasn't worth buying a ticket, or something, and I missed the part where he was introducing the play, or maybe I couldn't hear it b/c I was outside in the hall... The lights went down, the music/sound effects started, I watched through the little windows and noticed him in the back of the house, not far from me, and he seemed agitated and grouchy, and I stayed outside for the first few minutes of the play, going over in my head what I could possibly say if I had the chance... I looked away or something, and then suddenly the door was swinging out into my face, and maybe I put out my hand or foot or whatever and stopped it, and it hit him right in the implant-- I mean, in the forehead, or forearm, or something, and in that irreparably awkward moment of eye contact, I managed to mumble, "What do you think so far?" I thought that was pretty good, under the circumstances, considering it was the premiere for this particular music/text combination and so on, but he waved me away, grouchier than ever, and said something like, "I don't want to talk!" but I have the sense that it was shorter, like "Shh!" or "Oh, never mind!" or whatever. I saw him a few minutes later, outside having a smoke, and hung around for a while trying to think of what to say or do next. I couldn't come up with anything and left to go host movie night, but I breathed his secondhand smoke, which is something not many people can say. Well, actually, judging from the mentions of Manhattan cocktail parties in his obituaries, a lot of people can say that... “

Delighted, I go on to tell this anecdote many times at cocktail parties and car shows.

April 30, 1997 – On the way to my editing internship at ‘Whoa! Films’ I listen to panel discussion on NPR featuring Kurt Vonnegut. Upon arrival find radio inside and continue listening.

I do not become a video editor.

June 6, 1997 – Notice Kurt Vonnegut’s name in the credits of Ken Burn’s ‘The Civil War’ listed under ‘Other Voices’. Despite having seen this documentary many, many times, unable to identify which character he plays. Even today the internet offers no clue.** I guess that’s one mystery he’ll take to his grave since everyone else who worked on the film will most likely die before I get a chance to ask them.

November 5, 1997 – A film crew from New York is making a documentary in Atlanta and I as intern go to the airport to pick up the production manager.

“So you all live in New York?”
“We sure do.”
“I’d like to live there someday.”
“Why?”
“Oh, it’s stupid…”
“No, what?”
“Kurt Vonnegut said in this graduation address that everyone should live in New York for a year.”
“No, that was a hoax, he never said that. It was this writer in Chicago. See? http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/dubiousquotes/a/vonnegut.htm”

I am not invited back to the crew’s hotel room for pot smoking.

October 5, 1998 – Meet friend’s roommate Becky(?) who is reading ‘Sirens of Titan’.

Me: “Oh, you like Vonnegut?”
Becky: “Yeah, I’ve read a bunch of his stuff.”
Me: “Yeah, I went through a Vonnegut phase.”
Becky: “Yeah, I think most people go through a Vonnegut phase.”

Yeah, Becky and I do not go through a sex phase.

January 5, 1998 – Someone, somewhere, possibly on television, mentions Kurt Vonnegut’s story about a chess game that uses human pieces which are killed when ‘captured’. I think, “Hey, I’ve read that.”

December 15, 2001 – During Chess scene in ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’ I shake my head at how J.K.Rowling totally ripped off Vonnegut, and that millions of children will never know how well read I am.

September 1, 2002 – Move to New York and realize Kurt Vonnegut lives somewhere around here….

And then he died. I didn’t know him, of course, but some authors say that all you need to know about them is in their books. I don’t know if Kurt Vonnegut ever said that so no help there.

Below are some of his lines that I committed to memory:

In this era of big brains, anything that can be done, will be done. So hunker down.

It wasn’t like he was going to write Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.

A man who is tired of chicken is tired of life.

So it

*A google image search has failed to find the illustration and so the internet fails us.
** AGAIN with the internet failing...

Captain America Finally Dead

2007-03-07T17:15:00.000-05:00

Stever Rogers, better known to the world as Captain America died today, felled by a sniper’s bullet. He was old.

Forged in the bowels of World War II, Captain America would become the living embodiment of an American dream by proving that a scrawny kid from Brooklyn can(with the help of a government super-serum) live a long life crushing his enemies between two garbage can lids.
BONG! “Can you hear me now?” became his battle cry that would echo across a thousand battlefields around what he liked to call “Battlefield Earth”. With his blond hair, blue eyes and white skin “Cap” proved to be the perfect weapon against the enemy he was created to defeat: Captain Hitler. Defeat him he did, but Captain America is probably best known for raising the flag on Mt. Suribachi over Iwo Jima. The government later used Captain America’s immense popularity to sell war bonds to the Japanese... in Japan. He is credited with making the ‘Manhattan Project’ financially possible.

After the war, when others went home, he remained vigilant, and had a kind of passive-aggressive thing going with his former ally Captain Soviet Union. While they never fought each other directly, Captain America never turned down an opportunity to fight Captain Soviet Union’s friends: Captain North Korea, Captain North Vietnam, and Colonel Omar Qaddafi. The turning point came in 1989 when Captain America used his garbage can lids to smash Captain Soviet Union into a lot of smaller Captains. The largest of the Captain Soviet Union chunks, Captain Russia, soon became close friends with Captain America ... or really more like acquaintances, I guess….things are actually a little weird right now.

And now that decades of combat experience have been erased by a single sneaky sniper’s bullet, the world wonders: “Really, a sniper…? What took them so long?”

Government buildings will fly garbage can lids at half mast tomorrow, and no doubt their familiar BONG! will ring long through the night.

Cap, we can hear you now.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a funeral to attend. I think I’ll bring a friend.

JURY DUTY

2007-02-28T16:48:00.000-05:00

After paying taxes, not stabbing others with a pen, and voting for a
President who does not stab others with a pen unless those others are thinking about purchasing a pen to stab you with first, JURY DUTY is our most important civic responsibility. Exactly how important is it..? Diane Sawyer hosts the 'Welcome to Jury Duty' orientation video that's how important it is.
I have had the honor of answering summons in Kings County of the Empire State of the North, and in Dekalb County of the Empire State of the South(Georgia). Should you find yourself lucky enough to be called to lick the brass fasteners in either crime ridden principality, the following may be of help*:

LEGAL DICTIONARY

voir dire (vwär-'dir) n. a preliminary examination to determine the competency of a witness or juror. [Anglo-French, literally, to speak the truth] Further reference: 'The Jury'; 'The Devil's Advocate'; 'Voir Dire 2: Dire Harder’.

SUMMONS ONE

Atlanta, GA

Joseph Richburg, your freshman RA, will assure you that as a political science major, there is NO WAY IN HELL you will be chosen, so at voir dire be amused but act apologetic when you tell the attorney your field of study.
Then the attorney will ask, "Have you taken any law classes?"
"Um, I was thinking about taking a criminal justice class..."
Congratulations, you are now the littlest juror!

The defense attorney will try to demonstrate that this is not some jury movie and this is not some jury TV show by asking every. single. one. of his witnesses if he has coached them in any way. This will not be as entertaining as a movie or TV show.

During a lull in deliberations, point out that since the first Korean shot the second Korean in the back with his second shot, he must be guilty. Congratulations, you’ve just sent someone to jail!

Before the convicted leaves the courtroom he will say to the prosecutor, “I wish you could have been there.” Resist temptation to say, "Hey, trial's over, and you lost."

As you pass the families on the way out of court, realize you’ve sentenced two people that day: a young kid to years of hard time, and yourself to a night of New Castle and 'X-Files'.

SUMMONS TWO

Atlanta, GA

You may consider wearing to voir dire your Superman t-shirt, the one that proclaims "Truth, Justice and the American Way". Don't.

When the defense attorney asks, "Is there anyone here that thinks my client is probably guilty?" forget that statistic you heard somewhere that 90% of people who go to trial are guilty, and keep your hand down. When you raise your hand anyway, don't be surprised to hear the grandfatherly judge patronize you with, "Don't you believe people should be considered innocent until proven guilty...?" because you've just raised your hand out of a jury, mister.

SUMMONS THREE

Brooklyn, New York

Welcome to the big time; the sidelines of World War III. Don't fight it. They’ve thought of everything. The clerk who reads the jury pool roster, for example, has this to say:

"You will not be dismissed until 5 o'clock. I repeat, you will not be dismissed until 5 o'clock. Do not come up here and ask me if you can leave early. You cannot leave at 3. You cannot leave at 330. You cannot leave at 4. You cannont leave at 430. You will be here until 5 o'clock."

“If I mispronounce your name, IT-IS-NOT-PERSONAL!” Check.

Realize that having started the 'Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006, 128 clue crossword puzzle, you must now finish the 'Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006, 128 clue crossword puzzle. You are exempt from finishing the crossword if you are retarded.

12pm - Start keeping track of time.

Attorney’s may ask what hobbies you’ve picked up while waiting for voir dire. In addition to enjoying the occasional JPN crossword, you might want to try profiling vending machine customers until lunch.

WM 18-30, E2 Twix, 75 cents
BF 18-30, E3 Cheetos, 50 cents
BM 30-45, E2 Twix, 75 cents
WM 30-45, D3 Pretzel Sticks, 70 cents
BM 23-50, B1 Fritos, 50 cents
AM 18-30, A1 Lays, 50 cents
AF 45-60, E8 Nature Valley Granola Bar, 75 cents
WF 21-49, E1 Peanut M&Ms, 75 cents
BF 30-45, E1 Peanut M&Ms, 75 cents
WF 30-45, D3 Pretzel Sticks, 70 cents

1230pm - Lunch! Ah, the world looks a little brighter now. While perusing downtown Brooklyn’s many eateries, keep in mind that ‘Samurai Sam’s’ Samurai Sucks.

145pm - There are two lawyers central casting has found for your Kings County voir dire: one speaks from a ruddy face with the high, genteel lilt of the South, while the other looks like Al Franken and sounds like Alan Dershowitz.
As you’re filling out your questionnaire:
North - “You want to be on this jury. This trial will be over in two, four days tops.”
South - “I’d be surprised if it goes to four days.”
North – “You get thrown back out there in the jury pool, you land on a criminal case, you’re there for two, three weeks.”
Feel disappointed when you’re not selected for their jury, and congratulate someone who has been selected.
Then realize North and South have just played ‘Good cop/Bad cop’ on you with the criminal justice system.
Back in the pool, fish.

255pm - It starts again. The calling of names that will determine your fate for the next one to five hundred and four hours.
“David..”
[Heart jumps!]
“…Black”
Poor bastard.

335pm - Begin to construct your own crossword puzzle, the answer to the final clue of which you will find in your heart, in your death tub:

ACROSS
1 PIN number
2 Your favorite color
4 Mom’s maiden name
7 Person you want to bed

DOWN
3 SS #
5 What’s holding you back
6 this one is a throwaway
8 What’s for dinner

404pm - Enjoy the relief and mild satisfaction that comes from finally completing the 128 clue ‘Jury Pool News’ Winter 2006 crossword puzzle. You are now qualified to serve on juries around the world.

424pm - See how the vending machine stake out is going. A woman pauses in front of the glass, but wills herself away.

430pm - Dismissed. You brought a jump rope to a Kings County knife fight. You are given a letter of exemption good for years until your county will need you again. But if your pen should find its way into the trachea of a choking person who doesn't make it, try not to dwell on all of those unsolved crossword clues.

*this is no substitution however for watching ‘Twelve Angry Men’(Sidney Lumet, 1957) the greatest ensemble jury acting of all time.

Bah, Lovebug: The Levinarian Romantic Year in Review

2007-02-13T14:58:00.000-05:00

Post-Valentine's Day Assessment Test:

How did you spend Valentine's Day?

a) watching 'Lost'

b) watching 'Lost' with loved one

c) watching 'Lost' with prostitute

d) watching a PBS program on Heart Disease moderated by Larry King

How do you make the most contact with your current love interest?

a) over the internet

b) on the phone

c) with my hands, baby

d) screaming from the street

With which of the following movie quotes do you most closely identify this holiday?

"We are smart enough not to buy into the oldest myth running: love. A fiction created by people to keep them from jumping out of windows"
- Gordon Gekko, Wall Street

"Love. Where does it come from? Who lit this flame in us? No war can put it out; conquer it. I was a prisoner; you set me free"
- Soldier, The Thin Red Line

"You're terminated, fucker"
- Linda Hamilton, The Terminator

Here is a sampling from last year's box of chocolates:

Pie in the Sky: Who could this be...?

http://thelevinarian.blogspot.com/2006/07/beat-my-heart-skidnapped.html

Elise, of course, my fellow extra on a show that proved to be as fleeting as our love... I... can’t go on...

Status: "Looks like that pie ain't gettin' any closer to the ground…"

A Date:

http://thelevinarian.blogspot.com/2006/08/jetfire-was-my-wingman.html

Status: Friendly

A HOOK UP:

Don’t "hook up" or "makeout" with people from your own theater. Just don’t do it. I don't care how hungover and horny you are. Have you heard of masturbation? Well, the worm has definitely turned for you, my friend.*

She had pink hair and a pink-black soul. This did not turn out well.

Status: Christmas cards remain unexchanged

* Willem Dafoe, Platoon

A CRUSH:

WHAT did I tell you about getting involved with people at your own theater...?
Did you hear what I just said?
Crush defined here as “liking someone too much before all of the facts are in".
So what fact was I missing? Despite meeting her in an improv theater it took me too long to realize that "JB" is a dork. Dork defined here with the help of standup comic Tom Shillue as "a geek with too much confidence”.

Let's just say this also did not turn out so well.

Status: Crazy!

There were others, of course, but these were the most interesting/"best warning to others" of their respective categories. Have I learned anything...? See you next year!

Star Fucker

2007-02-07T17:07:00.001-05:00

Despite the promises of a hundred plus years of “science-fiction”, real life space exploration thus far has been a snoozer. There’s no shortage of danger inherent in taking on the final frontier (there’s enough ‘Head and Shoulders’ on the beaches to prove that), but outerspace is missing that other juicy stake: sex. Colin Farrell and Christian Bale discovered The New World but the first person on Mars will be the robot daughter of Stephen Hawking. Where are the natives to fight and then woo and then genocide? Where are the little green Sacagawea’s to provide comfort and guidance on our way through the Northwest Anus? Where is the romantic allure of the cold vast vastness? The idea that the universe was created by something called ‘The Big Bang’ has become a cruel misnomer. This has not been helped by the portrait of astronauts as squeaky clean androids; nerd demi-Gods descended from MathOlympus. Even Hollywood’s attempts to humanize them have been pretty tame. ‘The Right Stuff’ is an excellent movie, but the infighting and peccadilloes of the Mercury astronauts were the peccadilloes of 1958, and today people only say ‘peccadillo’ when they’re drunk and imploring you to pick a sex toy. ‘Apollo 13’ showed us a swingin’ astronaut with gonorrhea, but filtered him through the twin lenses of Ron Howard and Kevin Bacon, and can I get some mayo for this feta and rice on white bread sandwich I call a ‘Hoboken’?

Now someone has come along and changed all of that. Accused of thinking about trying to kill the woman her space comMANder Bill Oefelein was putting rockets into, Astronaut Lisa Nowak has shown us that in space people aren’t just thinking about colliding with asteroids; they’re also thinking about colliding with their boss's asteroids. While manipulating that robotic arm, she probably fantasized using it to pluck Oefelein from the cockpit and fling him onto a fluffy bed. And for the crime of not being a calculator with metal legs, Lisa Nowak was arrested. WARNING! A HUMAN IS ONBOARD THIS SHUTTLE! Who hasn’t considered reaching out to a love rival while in disguise in an International Airport’s Long-term Parking? Parking lots are merely convenient places to approach people because that’s where both of your cars will end up…unless you arrived strapped to the bottom of theirs. SO she drove non-stop across the South wearing a diaper, big deal! That only shows the passion, ingenuity, and determination that got her into NASA in the first place. Plus, how could the police seriously accuse her of attempted murder while in the possession of pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing? These items had probably been in her car since the PTA Haunted House last October. No NASA astronaut would be caught dead on the way to a “gonna hurt ya” with anything less than a moon pistol(particle weapon used to pulverize objects in one’s flight path… of love). Things aren’t always what they seem. Tell me, did this tiger mother just use her jaws to move her cub out of harm’s way…

... or break its neck?

"Hey, Orlando County Sherrif’s Department! Dangerous white tiger on the loose! Better arrest it for kidnapping its own son!"

Lisa Nowak has shown those NASAndroids the variable that’s kept us from buying condos on Europa: unrequited love. As John Brown tried to unfreeze the slaves, Lisa Nowak has tried to unfreeze our hearts so that we may enslave other worlds. What she did wasn’t “pretty”, but it was pretty human.

Happy Birthday Desiree

2007-01-26T16:14:00.000-05:00

She is not to be taken for granted. Not that anyone to my knowledge has, but when you find supportive, grounded friends, you should do your best to hold onto them. But not too tightly because have you read 'Of Mice and Men'? That wasn't friendship, but it goes to show that you can get too close to the hugging-sun, rabbit.
From all of us(me) at the Levinarian, Happy Birthday to one of our favorite people: Desiree Nash.

Can I live with you?

2007-01-14T13:14:00.001-05:00

I'd been living alone in Queens for almost two years when my friend Andy invited me to move into a house in Brooklyn he had just bought with Keyque, a business partner he’d met on craigslist who as it happens is gay and from Spain.
He tempted me with lower rent and a better neighborhood called "Greenpoint"but if you substitue the word 'Polish' for 'Green' you get a more accurate description. It's predominant ethnicity aside, it is a neighborhood with an amazing video store, and a healthy-ish food store called ‘The Garden’ that brought tears to my eyes the first time I walked inside like I was an immigrant spying Lady Liberty off the starboard bow(now ‘The Garden’ is just ‘eh’). These were the kinds of stores I imagined to be on every block in NYC, but were nowhere to be found between my basement apartment and the Ditmars Blvd. stop, the last stop on the N/W line, that was over 19 blocks away.
But it had been over four years since I’d had a roommate, and if I moved into Andy’s house I would have five.
"Would they be 'crazy' roommates or CRAZY roommates?" I asked.
"Oh, they'll be more of the CRAZY variety,” he said.
One CRAZY resident, Stacy, who had recently dislocated Andy’s shoulder after being accused of stealing ‘smokables’, would soon be leaving he assured me. Satisfied that nothing unpleasant would ever happen in the house again, I moved in. Of course more drama was to follow, enough for an entire book, in fact, with chapters like “Hit Me Again, My Childhood Friend”, “There’s an Addict in the Basement” and “Stacy Strikes Back”, but despite all this and much more I had not seriously thought of leaving the drama house until Andy’s mortgage payments doubled and he threatened to increase the rent to “this is what I was paying to live by myself” prices, jerkface. So I looked to craigslist, and while I didn’t find a business partner from Spain, I did find several transsexual companions and the following:

"Two 20 Something Chicks looking for a new roommate in our Greenpoint Apartment.
Our fabulous apartment has 3 bedrooms, but one of our roomates is making the moving out to Queens on Febuary 1st. (what a traitor)!
The bedroom is really spacious, and really well lit because there are two huge windows in it. It has a rug, a good sized closet and is really big, did we say that already?
…If you can live with two cool girls you should reply to this post with some info about yourself, what you do and why you'd be a good fit. Not to put you on the spot... but try to be funny so we can be entertained ;)
We're really looking for:
Someone to pay their bills and rent on time
A 9-5er preferably but we don't discriminate.
Clean
Works for a living
Doesn't suck
Has a sense of humor
Sorry no pets!
Thanks!”

Here is my “funny” reply which I hope “entertained” them:

Hi,

I saw ad for room but am most interested in deep fryer. I have experience frying chicken based products but am looking to expand into vegetable and sandwich cookie areas. This is untapped market in NYC and I look forward to saturating it with smart and well-dressed individuals like yourself. My name is David and I work hours at Pfizer and make improv most nights. As a bonus, I bring shower radio. My number is [WHOO!] if you have interest.

Thanks a lot,
David

This was probably not the most informative or funniest response they received, but I thought it was cute, and maybe they’d found ‘Borat’ as so-so as I did. Then I realized(just now in fact) that their ad was not very entertaining and that the only girls I'd ever met that said "entertain me" were narcissistic black holes of boring from the midwest who had already assumed the shape most suited to their future of tv and baby production, so in hindsight I should have written something REALLY crazy because what the hell

Dear Two Cool Chicks,

Come and knock on our door... Jack Ritter here, your new roommate! HAHA, JK! My name’s not ‘Jack’(my name is, for now, my business), but like Jack I do love to cook... and I don’t always mean dinner, and I don’t always mean in the kitchen LOL! Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of coming b/t you and your favorite room in the house. ;)
Hey, here’s a joke for you: why did your old roommate move out? Because she’s a fucking TRAITOR! Traitors are the WORST, and I know when she dies someday alone on the 7 train she’ll spend an eternity in Satan’s mouth between Brutus and a certain ex-friend of mine(long story I’ll have to tell you later over a big bowl of popcorn!). Wouldn't that just bite? But traitors deserve it. All of them. I, however, am totally loyal to my roommates, and after I move in would only move out under one condition: never. In fact, I would follow you to any place you wanted to live, and if the two of you decided to live in different places, I would live equidistant from you like I did with my parents when I lived briefly in Bakersfield(my mom died soon after I got there, thank God! JK! ;P).
TOOT, TOOT! I’m great about bills, but I’m not a “bill Nazi” and it sounds like you’re not either, but I guess we’ll find out soon enough! &;>I] That’s a person winking in a horse harness and bit in case you couldn’t tell. I made it up myself, but feel free to use it! Just don’t take credit for it b/c we'll be sharing a bathroom! I'm also clean and have a job. You'd be surprised how many people don't ask about that! Also, I don’t have any pets, but if I did I’d send them to the bottom of “Bathtub Lake” for you. I guess that wouldn’t work on fish so I’d have to book them a ticket to "Santa’s Microwave Village" [;]*( … I’ll show you what that one means later. Have you ever had New England Clam Chowder at Pier 39 in SF? It’s almost as fabulous as my room sounds, but you can’t live in clam chowder, don’t I wish! As if you couldn’t tell by now, I far from suck, and everyday with me is like an episode of your favorite show on your favorite network on a 70” plasma screen you can never turn off. OMG I’m being so rude! My real name is Carrot Steve, your newest and most entertaining roommate(we could have a pageant to decide!). As a bonus, I bring shower radio.

Chicken Kung POW!
CS

Andy and I have compromised, and the need for me to leave the drama house has subsided.

As of this writing, my inquiry into the Greenpoint room share has gone unanswered.

Thanksgiving TODAI

2006-11-22T13:29:00.000-05:00

Modern Thanksgiving began on the fourth Thursday in November, 1863. The tide had turned against the South that summer at Gettysburg and Vicksburg, so Lincoln decided "Hey, Confederacy, we're going to have a day of Thanksgiving in your FACE!" And as the Union soldiers dined on Boar's Head Turkey and stuffing(and in the days to follow, sandwiches) the rebels enjoyed a smorgasbord of disease, slavery, and losing. And so I decided(in hindsight) to honor this American buffet of death by spending Thanksgiving at a Japanese buffet of life; in fact, the greatest buffet known to me: TODAI.

TODAI, which is Japanese for 'Fat American Fuck', has an interior that runs from 32nd to 31st Street. The atmosphere is simultaneously vast and intimate. The trough itself is half the length of a city block, and laid out in three sections: hot foods, sushi/rolls, and salads. The salad section, which is the least frequented(SURPRISE!!!), lies between hot foods and sushi/rolls creating a "No Man's Land" into which only wander the lost and the damned. My waitress made no attempt to explain this to me as I led us to my table, nor did she have to; I had been there before. In one practiced motion I removed my jacket, gave her my drink order, and hissed her on her way. I looked around the crowded restaurant at the families swarming like ants on an inexhaustible corpse. Thanksgiving had begun.

On the way to wash my hands, I was greeted outside the men's room by a pile of fresh vomit.
"Ah, ha, HA! Someone's had all they can eat! So hungry you couldn't be bothered with chewing your crab rings I see! Soon may I join you, my pelican friend!"
Stepping over a pile of vomit to wash your hands at a buffet is, more or less, a useless gesture unless every other person touching your serving tongs has stepped over a pile of vomit to wash their hands as well. On other occasions, at other buffets, I have placed a napkin between my hand and the food grabbers, but on this day of sharing turkey and germs, I thought that would be an insult to the many people with whom I was dining alone. So by the power of Lincoln, everyone at TODAI received a napkin pardon.

Buffets are like a dairy animal with a hundred different flavored breasts to be sampled and dismissed until we find the teat or two that's going to most inform our adolescent development. After a couple of passes and two 'sampler' plates, my Thanksgiving had more or less become a bottomless plate of white fish with Ungai sauce. Boneless, light, and delicious, I could have eaten it until I had to vomit outside the men's room, you know what I mean? Then in the sushi/roll section, things got sentimental. Thinking of my relatives in Miami who would soon be gathering at my cousins to eat, I took a 'Miami Roll' even though it's not my favorite thing. But sometimes Thanksgiving isn't so much about filling your gut with what you want, as it is taking one in the gut... for your heart. Later when I returned to the sushi/roll section, I walked by the Miami Rolls again only to realize that I'd misread the labels earlier and eaten some other kind of roll by mistake.
"Jesus Christ," I thought, but I put another "Miami Roll" on my plate. I'm pretty sure my waitress took it away with the rest of my plate out of revenge while I went to find my own diet-Pepsi refill, but the point is that I took it, and how much fish, rice, and mayonnaise do I need to eat before my relatives don't even know I'm thinking about them anyway? Just like those young southern boys took a "Mineball Roll" in the tummy for their cousins in Mineball-town on that Thanksgiving so many years ago; a Thanksgiving they weren't even celebrating because they had seceded, and Jeff Davis couldn't declare a Thanksgiving day on the same day as Abe Lincoln because how would that look?

This meal was merely a nicer version of the first Thanksgiving I'd spent in New York: hungover at the worst Chinese buffet in Astoria. Thanksgiving 2006 could be exchanged with almost any other meal I'd had alone at TODAI except for the part about the vomit. It was as if the retch were saying no amount of food can replace family which I already knew, thanks.

I left stuffed, but not in pain. That came later when I had to sit in a crowded 'Casino Royale' next to a guy who liked to play thoughtfully(that's what it looked like he thought it looked like he was doing) with his face throughout the movie. Since I'm human and orient to movement in my peripheral vision in case it's a bear, this was extremely annoying. Despite my many attempts to mock him, he continued until I finally cupped the right side of my eyes with my hand before settling on a two finger blinder. Were it not Thanksgiving, maybe it would have made sense to say, "Could you PLEASE not molest your face during the movie, Professor Asshole?" but in the spirit of the day, I demured.

Turns out during the movie I'd received a voicemail from my friend Yang inviting me along with our friend Shawn over for vegetable lasagna and apple bake that Yang's girlfriend Sarah had made and left for us before heading to a wedding in Mexico. I was still full of course but I found the train and headed on over. Now Thanksgiving had begun.

Disney/Pixar presents 'Car Wars'

2006-11-09T23:55:00.000-05:00

'Cars' the latest from Disney/Pixar is so boring I started wondering what nightmare scenario resulted in automobiles taking over the American Southwest. I mean, someone had to create these cars, right? You're not going to tell me this

evolved from this

That's crazy.

At the beginning of the movie I thought perhaps a treaty between humanity and the New Machine Empire had merely ceded the cars land from Southern California to Texas. Then I saw the newscast from Japan... being delivered by a Honda.

I imagine 'Cars' is inspired by, if not directly set in the future of, Stephen King's shortstory 'Trucks' in which vehicles come to life and literally run humanity into the ground(this became the horrible movie 'Maximum Overdrive' during the trailer of which King promised the audience: "I'm going to scare the hell out of you!" One Emilio Estevez performance later, he was right). But like good propaganda, Disney has cutified our conquerors, and glossed over the victims of the coming Machine War to such a degree that it makes 'The Terminator' look like a documentary. Not a single word about humanity; only cheeky impressions. And don't give me that 'AI', Robin Williams more-human-than-human garbage because as a descendant of humans, I am somewhat offended. We never see the blood and bone struggle from which this candy colored racing world sprang. And then we line up, necks out, to buy toys of our slaughterers for our children so that when their killers come roaring across the parking garage at them one night, that grown-up child will smile and "look at the rabbits" before their brains shake hands with Mr. Pavement.

The most frightening sign that something's amiss in 'Cars' is when the main character and his hayseed friend go "tractor tipping". My God, these bloodthirsty mechanites were thorough with their meat slaughter, weren't they? Gather your milkshakes. While 'Cars' didn't specify the date of the uprising, I would encourage you to go home tonight and smash the windshield of every car, truck, and Vespa you see so that we may live to see a human dominated tomorrow; one those car-bore-HATERS won't see... since their eyes are their windshields. Run, bretheren, get in shape! Don't become like this tubby fellow, for whom the hobby of running came too late...

Halloween All Year Long

2006-10-31T16:29:00.000-05:00

Here is a picture I found in the New York Times online from a slide show of costumes from around the world.

This is of Mara Jade Wisterman, 18 months old, of Tampa, Fla. The NYT doesn't mention this, but Mara has been named after a Star Wars character... from one of the NOVELS. I know this because I read that series about ten years ago, and it wasn't even very good. So those parents held onto this character's name "Mara Jade" for over a decade until they could escape authorities long enough to conceive and spawn. It's not as conspicuous as a hippy name like 'Moonbeam' or 'Yang' but its origin is also not as cute, and Mara Jade must carry this shameful secret as to her parent's fealty to science-fiction for the rest of her days. Actually in ten years or so when people start asking who she was named after, Star Wars geeks might seem as quaint a subculture as hippies do now. Lucky for Mara, her parents erred closer to the 'Leia' and not the 'Greedo' end of the SW spectrum.
"Well, if her parents are such SW freaks, how come she's not dressed as an Ewok?"
For the same reason people don't walk around as Storm Troopers at the Lucas Fourth of July BBQ(which, YES, I have attended): because for LucasArts and little Mara, it's Halloween all year long.

'Kidnapped: CANCELLED'...for REALS...

2006-10-23T11:33:00.000-04:00

As my first paid acting gig and the subject of the first The Levinarian posting, the cancellation of 'Kidnapped' has hit me so hard, I can only express what I'm feeling through this

:(

Any hopes of reuniting on the set with the July 12 to August 9th loves of my life, Delroy Lindo and Alease Connecticut(since I never learned her last name, I've decided to name her after the region of Italy from which she came), has been cancelled and the window dressing that was the show along with it.
Can 'Rescue Me' and beaver-face be far behind?
Having never actually watched 'Kidnapped', I can't tell you "what went wrong", but if you, having never watched it don't know either, then we might be on to something. Efforts to blame this on what the New York Times called my "wooden and tawdry" background acting, or my July 30, 2006 The Levinarian birthday wish entry entitled 'Kidnapped: CANCELLED' could be justified. I must admit, this show was cancelled a long time ago in my heart, on or around August 10th.
So long, Delroy. Maybe someday Alease and I will meet on some subway platform, fall in love all over again, have kids, and irresponsibly leave them in a Safeway for you to waylay and wee-turn(I imagine our child, Jaden, having an adorable speech impediment. Maybe you could do something about that while you've got him).
Until then,
Elouise

PS. The same tv obit page that brought me news of Kidnapped's passing also reminded readers of the cancellation of another Richard Dean Anderson vehicle Delroy Lindo wasn't in: "MacGiver". MacGiver always found the most creative last minute gifts for people. I'll never forget the episode where he was about to leave the parking lot of a mall when he remembered his niece's birthday so he fashioned her a pipebomb from two shopping carts and a Vespa. The world could use another show like that right about now.

References

'FBI Clerk: The Series' The Levinarian, July 12, 2006

Un'Kidnapped' My Heart The Levinarian, July 16, 2006

The Beat My Heart S'Kidnapped' The Levinarian, July 18, 2006

'FBI Clerk Returns Home!' The Levinarian, July 19, 2006

'Kidnapped II: The Fantastic Return' The Levinarian, July 28, 2006

'Kidnapped: CANCELLED' The Levinarian, July 30, 2006

'Rescue Me: Cemetery Heat' The Levinarian, August 3, 2006

'Kidnapped' Soda Jerk The Levinarian, August 9, 2006

How to Get to Heaven

2006-10-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

On the 7 train home last Friday there was a seat open next to a smiling young caucasian woman who seemed to be with another smiling young caucasian woman standing next to her. Young caucasian women do not take the 7 into Queens and if they do, they are certainly not smiling at me. Once a transexual smiled at me on Puerto Rican Pride Day, but that's about it. So as this was my lucky day, I said to the stander, "Do you want to sit down?"
"No, go ahead," they both agreed.
"Because if you don't sit down, I'm going to sit down," I said, sitting, everyone smiling away.
After I was next to the sitter, whom I would come to know as 'Meredith', I noticed the black leather book the stander, whom I would come to know as 'Ally', was holding. Looking around I now noticed the other smiling young caucasian boys and girls crowding the train. Many of them were holding black leather books as well. My chest tightened slightly with the knowledge that our banter and proximity had opened a conversation door to Jesus through which I would soon have to pass.
"We spent the day in Bryant Park," Ally said.
"Oh, really? What were you doing there?"
"Spreading the word of the Lord."
"Uh, huh!"
In an attempt to head-off whatever Jesus-sentence they were going to say next I asked in no mean way, "Why is it the 'Holy' Bible? Why not just the 'Bible'?" because nothing grinds religious talk to a halt faster than questions about the Bible.
Ally, the prettiest and therefore smartest of all the Christians replied, "If I just said 'Harry Potter', you wouldn't know which book I was talking about."
Dear Lord, they hate Harry Potter! I hate him, too, but for secular reasons, and what kind of relationship could we build on that foundation of lies?
I learned they were on their way to a bus back to Pottersville.
"Harry Pottersville?" wa-HAH!
"I never thought of that!" Meredith said. "I love Harry Potter! Have you read Harry Potter?"
So they're not THAT crazy which was a surprising relief.
"I'm saving it for retirement," I goddamn lied.
At this point, Ally was done fucking around.
"Do you believe in Heaven?"
"No."
"So what do you think happens after you die?"
"Nothing."
"So you're just chillin' in the ground?"
"No, you're not 'chillin'. You cease to exist."
Ally, in a credit to her missionary savviness, did not argue with me.
At Courthouse Square I got up. I don't remember if Ally said 'Goodbye' but on my way to the doors Meredith asked, almost apologetically, "Do you mind if I give you something?" I hesitated. But if it helps Meredith on her way to a toaster, why not?

This reminds me of what they drop on enemy soldiers to get them to surrender... in 'Three Kings'.
As you can see, it doesn't have Meredith's number on it, but it does have simple instructions on how to hook up with her down the road. If you get there first, wait for me there, Meredith baby!

Now you know how to avoid muggings in Greenpoint, AND eternal damnation.

How to Flirt Online

2006-10-02T15:32:00.000-04:00

Several years ago I tried internet dating. Above was my photo and the caption read: "You have the right to remain... sexy" (The photo's from a kid's show I worked on where I met my friend Yang).

Over a year and a half period I wound up dating about 14 women, one of whom I dated for FOUR months(still friends, not crazy) and the other for one month(not friends, crazy-ish). Perhaps I would've dated more if people weren't so interested in things like "chemistry" and "physical attraction." What happened to falling in love? I guess there's no time for things like that in today's modern world. In olden times, people would go out on dates after a long day in the fields and they would stick with that person because they were too tired to do any serious looking around. So it was with interest that I read an article on how to flirt your way through email to that first date. An article on turning that first date into more dates would've been MORE helpful, but...
Imagine reading the questions below in an email from someone you only knew online, but were thinking about dating(Hi!) and come up with your own nutty answers!

10 email flirting questions

Where did you get that fantastic smile?
Mail order bride. Do you want to see my stomach?

What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
If you were low-fat frozen yogurt swirled with Irish liqueur and scooped out into two 36C blue cups, then you would be my new favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor: "Sarah Stout and Smurfy"(change 'Sarah' where appropriate).

What is the most romantic place that you've been on a date?
Time travel date of watching you at my funeral. After several moments I'd walk up behind you and say, "Hey, look who's not dead." or "Hey, he looks like he was one hell of a lover."

What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
I'd eat you last with Hot Sauce and Ranch.

If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
Take you to a restaurant where I could watch you stuff your cute little rabbit face with salad.

What is your favorite thing to do with a partner for fun?
Strip "Axis and Allies". The build-up is almost unbearable. You won't be able to lose your Home Islands fast enough, my little Tojo.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
Time travel date: the place where you are going to die so I could surround it with razor-wire and pumas as a warning of the dangers of falling in love.

How long have you played guitar? (Ask about something in their profile.)
I took lessons in Nashville when I was ten, but then stopped when we moved to Atlanta. My freshman year roommate played so I picked it up again, but stopped after about a year. If I weren't such a quitter, I'd be amazing by now. I have guitar songs on my computer if you want to hear something...

Wow, is that your cute golden retriever? (Compliment something in their photograph.)
It belongs to my downstairs neighbor Keyque who is gay and from Spain. He named it 'Brooklyn' because that's where we live. If he were still in Spain I guess he'd name it 'Western Hemisphere'.

When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)
Oh, 'Sarah Stout and Smurfy', don't you know anything...?

Netfliction

2006-09-26T15:43:00.000-04:00

I started using Netflix last February. I'd say "tried it for the first time" but there ain't no trying the flix: you hooked from the very first one. I signed up on a Friday afternoon which was a big mistake cause I didn't get my first movie till Tuesday and those four days felt like the wait for a thousand Hannukah's.
Started off with threes like most people, and managed to keep it down, like most people. There's no 'late fee' per se but you keep that movie out there's another price you pay: "If I just stay up till 2am, I can finish off these 'Syriana' special features and get it off by Wednesday and 'Inside Man' will be here for the weekend." Lost a whole lotta sleep that way, dog, lotta sleep.
Blearn.
It can drive a real wedge between friends, too. Time was I'd walk into my local movie store and they used to be real friendly. But now I only look at the new releases just to see what to add to my queue... and leave without renting a thing. I can feel their eyes on the back a my head. And back in the high days of three I took requests from friends, but not for long: "You gonna watch 'Say Anything' with your girlfriend this weekend, motherfucker?"
This summer I made what felt like progress. I downshifted to two from three. One of the hardest things ever I did. I had a friend, Brett, who was going to downshift with me from five to four, but he couldn't do it. "I have a long holiday weekend coming up," he'd say, or "Some are for my girlfriend." I don't fault him neither. Whether you're going down from three to two or seven to six, it's still hard to give up those big Viking pasties.
What's really messed up is the government actually encourages this shit. Flix has its own mail slot at the Grand Central Station Post Office in New York City. It's OWN SLOT! Fed Ex wanted their own slot and they had to build a box, but the PO just gave the flix one of their own!
Theories, people, theories.
Now I'm resigned to my two. Four days of the week go by while I'm without movies, but I try to stay out of trouble. Sometimes Flix be fuckin' with me just to show me who's boss, too. One week they told me they were sending 'South Park' season 8, disc 1 from Tacoma, WA, and 'District B-13' from Boise, ID, just cuz!
But I'm making it. Trying to keep my ratings under 1200 by year's end. And one day, a red envelope will come in the mail, and I won't have to open it that night.
But how'd Brett make out...? Well, there's two stories, but here's the one I like to tell: his girlfriend found his hand and a pair of khakis jammed in the DVD tray. Like to think he gnawed it off to finally go get some help. There but for the grace I go.
The other story is he's fine. Not everyone is so Netflicted.

Baby Marriage

2006-09-19T13:52:00.000-04:00

I did an improv scene with my friend Yang last Saturday in which we began discussing taking novelty pictures of babies that were dressed as if they were in a wedding party. Adult parents standing by, visible only by their feet and shins. The jilted baby moping over to the side. We didn't get around to discussing baby gowns, which is too disturbing to contemplate. Would we tape martini glasses of milk to their hands? Isn't this and all other baby dress up photos exploitative?

"Well, babies HAVE to wear SOMETHING. Why not something cute and adorable we can put on a calendar?"
Brain trauma patients have to wear something, but you don't dress them up as giraffes and put them in the coma safari calendar for the month of July.
"But the babies like it and they become little income providers! Plus you'll have something to show them when they're older aside from the same old boring pictures."
Grandma, while you were unconscious we dressed you as a ham salad and sold your image to Dak Foods. I will leave this picture with you in your casket.

We do it with animals, but Captain Whiskers didn't get an abortion at fourteen because Muffler wanted to "feel the real thing." Plus, the Captain was dead at 11 anyway.
It can be cute to countdown the days with a precious dressed-up reminder of early life, but NIMBY, dammit, NIMBY(Not in my Baby)!

And today I was looking for pictures of Dragon Park in Nashville when I found this

www.moyerpictures.com/~photos/tn/1644_1024.ts...

They have their family photos just sitting out there on the internet for any freak to put on blog! Looking through them is depressing. What do they DO in Nashville? What do I do HERE? Here's a picture of their pregnant married friends, Ben and Bronwen.

I don't have the heart to tell "Bronwen" that her name should be spelled "Barbeque Grill".
Why is Ben wearing a longsleeve under his collared short? On what campus did he learn that? There are cold pictures of new houses and themselves viewing art displays as evidence that they viewed art displays. I'm frightened and bored just looking at these. Not out as Judgey McJudge, but because they're doing what you're supposed to be DOING that out THERE, and I can't imagine it. It probably has more to do with the fact that the pictures were taken in winter. Cue "Good Charlotte" cue "Modest Mouse"!

High School Party Foul

2006-09-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

Saturday night I went with my friend's Marcus and Starr to a party at improv classmate Jonathan Harford's pad next to the Union Square Cafe. With a lofted bed and separate closet/game room, the feeling is bright, clubhousey, and how did you come to live here? The party's theme was high school and much to his friends' credit they remembered the dress code while I found myself untucking the back of my polo shirt and turning my collar up. They had fruit roll ups(remember those from high school!? And Capri Suns? This was more a pan-school snack event) you could lick and transfer to your skin in case you hadn't been to prison.
AHH! And they had Tab in the pink can! While I had no Coke Zero onhand, I did a taste-test from memory and I think Tab's aftertaste is more diffuse and lingering, even sickly while CZ's is as sweet, but has more bite. But before I could even finish my Tab, it transformed from this

into this

and made a pass at Starr Kendall.

As I was leaving, Jonathan introduced me to two of his female friends, Wynn(sp?) and Neetha(sp? Hindian?). Neetha wore a black skirt thing and shiny, leathery boots.
"I'm supposed to be goth even though it wasn't really at my high school at the time. I sort of slept through high school, but I wasn't on drugs or anything," Neetha said.
Keeping in mind that I'm not under the influence of anything except stupidity, I say:
"Well, at least you weren't in some Austrian's basement."
Wynn turns her head like she's just been slapped across the face, but other than that everything else APPEARS to remain normal amongst us. I could, however, feel the vaccuum that had been created where amiable social interaction had only moments before been. We all chat for another minute as if nothing had happened and as I leave Johnathan says,"See you Tuesday!" through a smile that looks chiseled into place.
On the walk home across the Pulaski Bridge, I considered how I knew intellectually what I'd said was wrong, but wasn't feeling it, perhaps as some sort of defense mechanism. I told Starr later what I'd said and he winced and chortled and shook his head "Oh, no you DIDN'T" while another friend said, "Ah, that wasn't so bad..." I have yet to ask Jonathan what he thought, but he's posted to this blog before so let's see what he says. And if I was beyond the pale, then I'll try to remember that it WAS only high school, and I'm a little smarter now. Little.

Train Scare

2006-09-08T23:36:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night I was heading to dinner and improv when the 7 train lost partial power and died on the tracks near Times Square. The train was quiet; reef quiet. But no one seemed too concerned. Then the loud speaker said, "Get everyone off the train!" People took notice at that. We were in the last car so either the subway serpent would eat us first, or last. But whatever the problem, it was not immediately apparent. I imagined the worst and couldn't believe I might die on my way to perform with a stupid improv group. Then the loud speaker said to move to the first car, and for the first time ever it seemed appropriate for me to risk moving between subway cars. Very exciting. People actually held the sliding doors between cars for each other. At first. Then at about the third crossing, and facing no apparent danger, self preservation seemed to kick in, because it was everyone-hold-the-door-for-yourself. For no reason, people went from really polite, to back to normal. As I passed between one set of cars, I saw daylight locked in an alcove behind bars. It was comforting aside from the locked bars part. Could I break that lock if I had to? I also read the subway emergency instructions for the first time and found them not so helpful. I also noticed no emergency exit levers on the side doors.
The conductors we passed didn't know what had happened, but I felt like they knew something just not enough to tell us. Luckily the first car was in the station so we didn't have to walk along the tracks thus saving my shoes a burning. On the platform we headed straight for the stairs as others who must not have heard the announcement waited for service to return. I didn't repeat it. The 7 is running fine now.

SOOOO much gravitas.

I know Anthony on Java

2006-09-06T11:48:00.000-04:00

Two nights ago shortly after ten, officer, I heard from my second floor window a "Hello!" Yelling isn't that uncommon on my street which has been zoned 'hangout' by the 'check out my ride' authorities so I ignored it, but after several insistent times I decided it was meant for our house alone so outside I went. I was greeted by a drunk-teen year old who lives up the block in one of the 'I wanna check out your ride' buildings and who spends many a night on the stoop with his friends playing gansta. Additionally, I'm pretty sure he's the one I yelled at to close the fire hydrant across the street the day I moved in two years ago. And now he had come for revenge.
"Who's that guy that lives here... short with dark hair?"
There are five others in the house not matching this description.
"He's short and he hash(drunk-tax[inebriated syntax]) a dog named 'Brooklyn'...?"
"You must mean Keekay. What about him?"
Keekay is the nickname of Enrique who is a photographer from Spain that lives on the first floor of my house and has a dog named 'Brooklyn' because that's where Keekay and the dog live now(can you just stand it?!).
"He was takin' some pictursh of me earlier and some of my friends shay he was looking at me in the wrong way-"
Keekay as it happens is gay, and like most people gets randy while drunk which I'm assuming he was. He even tried to seduce me once... I think.
"-could you ask him to delete those pictures of me from his camera because, like, my friends said he could do things with them that we don't know."
Those pictures have probably already been 'developed' in the 'penis lab'.
"And my friends are ganstas and I don't want them to have to do nothin'"
Whoa! 'Law & Order' is always on somewhere in the world.
"Like what? What are your friends going to do?"
"No, no, I'm sayin' just ask him to delete the pictures of me cause my friends say he was looking at me in the wrong way." Or the KEE-way, RAOW!
I really do sympathize with this kid's plight because who knows how many of us have unintentionally smiled for the internet while under the influence. I told him I would tell Keekay to delete said photos.
"Hey, I'm Anthony and if anyone ever, God forbid, tries to rob you just say, 'I know Anthony on Java' and when they hear that, then they'll leave you alone."
Then we peaced out.
I hope he wasn't too drunk to remember to add me to the protected roll at the next gang meeting.
A girl fresh out of college whose window was even closer to the "Hello!" than mine, and had moved into our house THAT DAY stopped me when I returned inside.
She said she had been worried but she needn't have been. Because if she like you ever find yourself on the mean streets of Greenpoint looking at the wrong end of pointy stick all you have to do is look that thug in the eyes and say "I know Anthony on Java... you know, he's white and like fourteen or something..."

Whiz Test Part II

2006-08-31T11:07:00.000-04:00

When I went to take my test Monday I was ready: no "trips to Atlanta", no "Sang". I was sent to the same company that tested me two years ago, but they had a nicer, newer location and the lobby was full-ish. The Whiz Collection industry must be booming. And it's easy to see why: these people are good. We're talking "Is that your urine...?" good. First, the attendant is a really nice lady to which no drug addict could lie. Second, there's a therma strip on the cup you empty yourself into to make sure your whiz is body temperature and not "pee hidden inside your socks" temperature. Third, you have only 120 seconds alone in the bathroom to ensure: a)you haven't hidden the "good" sample in a place that's hard to reach within two minutes; b) you don't take advantage of the lack of a time limit like the guy in "King of the Bingo Game" and wait in there for two weeks until you're in the clear. All of these precautions would be unnecessary however if they made one request of you upon leaving the bathroom: "Okay, now drink it." Not too many people would drink someone else's whiz... unless maybe they were high in which case there's the loophole through that tactic. Damn, they are good.
After turning over my me temperature me, the super nice attendant suggests I wash my hands at the sink right outside the bathroom. I jokingly ask if anyone refuses and she says, "Yes, a good number." This should be part of the screening process. If you can force someone to pee in a cup within a two minute window, why not throw anobligatory handwashing in there? Refusal should result in loss of job as well. In fact, I would rather meet a coworker who is an addict than one who will knowingly shake my hand/touch the tongs at the salad bar with their private parts hands. Screen those filthy fuckers rights away.
Having done no drugs in a very long time, I am now back at Pfizer. Hooray...

Whiz Test, Part 1: "Lesson Learned"

2006-08-29T00:03:00.000-04:00

I'm going back to work at Pfizer in 8 hours. But today I had to first visit the ICUP.

When I first got the call to work at Pfizer two years ago, I was on vacation in Atlanta and one of the friends with whom I was staying, Rob, had a friend, Sang, who lived in the basement of his house and would frequently ask me to smoke pot with him while he explained the intricacies of USA Network's "4400". I repeatedly but politely refused because back in Greenpoint I was living with some "wake and bake"ers, and I knew if I did too much, it would very quickly become a habit. So after I got the Pfizer goodnews pfone call, I surprised Sang by taking him up on his offer.
"Why not?" I thought. "This must be how recreational marijuana use began."
No sooner had my head filled with metallic bees, than the temp agency called to inform me that, by the way, I had to take a drug test before starting work next week. After several minutes of contemplating how I'd destroyed my life, Rob calls to say he's locked himself out of his car, and can I come pick him up, but when I pulled up could I crash my car into his car, sandwiching him between the two, and then could I manage to mutter, "Gnarly..." before we both died in the ensuing explosion? I wasn't sure I was ready to do all that. Luckily Sang was used to driving his MG with a head full of hornets at top speeds to the rescue, but I felt stupid explaining why I had not come alone.
That's my personal anti-drug commercial. Steer all so misfortuned to the life changing lessons found within, and witness those you thought lost in an opium den, emerge a proud and productive admin.

Jetfire was my wingman

2006-08-20T22:35:00.000-04:00

Our date started at a Chinese restaurant that was closed for a Chinese birthday. So we moved around the Pacific Rim to a Thai restaurant where I produced 1.5 Liter bottles of Sprite Zero and Jetfire(Coke Zero) and asked for two glasses of ice. Normally, I would NEVER do this, but they were from a pre-date purchase at Duane Reade, so why not?
"Because it's white trashy..?"
PERHAPS!
I wasn't head over heels for this woman, but I believe in things like "getting to know you" and "falling in love" and "bringing your own soda on the first date". So we saw "Intersection" at the Magnet(good) and then on a whim drove down to see "Too much light makes the baby go blind"(good) and even had time for ice cream first! What a nice date! Here's when I realized physicality was not on the menu: On the car drive down to TMLMTBGB she reached over to buckle in my shoulder belt, and as she's reaching across my body I say something jokey-flirty like "Oh, MY, well I..."
She interrupts: "No, really, it's not like that. I didn't mean it that way. It's not like that."
Whew, what a relief! Now that the pressure's off, let's go to a bar, ask for glasses, pour more Jetfire and Sprite Zero from their bottles into those glasses, and toast to our not fucking. You don't have to have physical intimacty to have a nice date, kids! Sure you COULD hook up, and even purchase drinks from the same establishment in which you're dining, but where is the romance and mystery in that? I don't even WANT to know, girl!

Gather Ye Rosebuds!

2006-08-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

This beautiful, nice, non-crazy, I'd always assumed to be married, woman turns out to be not... married. Great news, right? WRONG! Because I found out while running into her while she was on a date! With someone who has more sex than anyone else known personally to me(that's awful, I know, but wait there's more)! So much so that I even wonder if he's using some form of hypnosis!
"Oh, but he's such a nice guy..."
Sounds like SOMEBODY'S been hypnotized...
So ply Lady Jaye with questions like "What's your husband do?" and "Are you married?" before she winds up with Dr. Mindbender, Joes, cause you never knows, and that's half the heart-transplant.

This all may sound like I'm jealous which is probably the case. I never even really had a crush on her but that could be because of the married-cloak. So how about this: I hope everyone moves out of Hoboken so they can repopulate the city with their kids! Does that sound like jealousy to you?

I have revisited this post and am for sure not jealous. It's for the weak!

Tough Commercial Break Kid

2006-08-13T23:52:00.000-04:00

Had a callback for a commercial Friday as a 'dad' handing down his tool set to his 'son'. I was paired up with a kid named Lucian who was SO cute and precocious that it made me want to save up to buy one someday. He was like Haley Joel Osment in 'Forrest Gump' except that when he talked you didn't want to strangle him. I asked him if we should go over the copy before they called us in, and he said "They'll have the words on the, um, whatchya call it... dry erase thing-ee!" Lucian, I'd sooner set the Snuggle fabric softener bear on fire than argue with that. Of course, upon entering the room I quickly learned that it was filled with people with laptops whose time is not to be wasted with things like "writing the words on the dry erase thing-ee". It was only two lines, and I'm pretty sure I remembered them from two days ago, but had there been more... The director directed Lucian to pretend the tool set was a rated 'M' video game he'd finally gotten to play. Why don't you just dangle some titties in his face, and tell him they're filled with the cure for the polio you gave him, Herr Director? Come along, Lucian! We're not working on THIS commercial!

'Kidnapped' Soda Jerk

2006-08-09T17:37:00.000-04:00

Delroy calling.
I'd seen the 'No Parking' signs on the street so I already knew what he wanted: another witness to his explosion.
"Planning for an explosion is like planning to fall in love," I said. "If you don't flinch, you know it ain't for real."
"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"It means if you're not surprised, it ain't love, it's window shopping. No, wait, it means if you know it's coming then you can duck it, and you don't get to play dodgeball with this Shamus' heart, Alease... anyway I can't because I've got some mediocre improv to do. Catch ya later, Delroy."
I hung up, and let'em blow up Greenpoint without me.
[The above prose was inspired by the new DVD 'Brick' which is about what happens when teenagers talk like Humphrey Bogart.]

The local news said Harvard research revealed that drinking a can of soda a day can result in 15 extra pounds a year. I hope the boys at Harvard invent a soda with the great taste of sugar but none of the calories and have it in my fridge by lunchtime tomorrow. Or world peace, whichever is fine.

'Coke Zero' is 'Tab'... and Jetfire

2006-08-06T21:16:00.000-04:00

Pictured above, Tab, the smooth, sweet, low calorie soft drink, was recently discontinued to little fanfare by the Coca-Cola Company(43.75, -.10 in after-hours trading). Tab wasn't widely distributed, and whenever I saw it in a store I felt like it was my lucky day. I think its lack of popularity was partially due to its pink skin and white futura sans serif font which screamed "If I'm drinking this, I must be gay". How could Red State boys take this to school? "Look, Bruce is drinking from a PINK can! He must be a girl! Invade Iraq!" Enter, Coke Zero which, thanks to Splenda, has Tab's smooth, sweet taste, but has been repackaged to be more appealing to homophobes and others whose masculinity would be threatened by drinking an already 'fru-fru' DIET drink from a pink container(Tab has since been repackaged as an energy drink with an awful new taste, and a new pink can design because we all know who drinks those anyway!). Coke Zero meanwhile has adopted the color scheme of the Autobot Jetfire:

The first Autobot to transform into something that could fly, Jetfire helped his brethren overcome a huge tactical Decepticon advantage. Could Coke Zero jet to the rescue of the Coca-Cola Company...?

Coke Zero: More than meets the Eye. Coke Zero: Tab in disguise.

'Rescue Me: Cemetery Heat'

2006-08-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

Yonkers is a zombie movie set waiting for a zombie outbreak to happen. And at six am Monday July 31st, we arrive. Three busloads of extras: policemen and mourners on the way to a funeral and a wedding for 'Rescue Me'.
No, Alease is not among them. But I do meet a skinny Irish girl from south Jersey named Shannon with a beaver like mouth-area which, any prejudice against beavers aside, is not unattractive. We stand together three rows out from the casket. Somehow it's... just not the same.

Holding is in ANOTHER Polish cultural center, the Polainaisse, which is a large meeting hall made from tangy white sandwich spread.

Hey, breakfast! Extras treat meal lines like there's an electric chair at the end of it because standing around all day complaining consumes about half a million calories. The guy in front of me piles sausage patties on his plate. When he realizes there's only one left he says, "Well, I don't want to be greedy..." but hesitates putting back one of the five patties from his plate so I just grab it off, hit him with my club, urinate on him and paint a mural of the exchange on the cave wall when I get home.

I feel like I should be 'socializing' or 'networking' so at my table I meet adorable senior citizen Glen Danks. Glen tells an amusing story about how he was the only person who argued with his boss, Jacob Michaels, "probably the richest Jew in the world at the time" who sold bonds out of Germany until Hitler came along and then Jacob Michaels had to twenty-three skeedoo out of there before coming to America so Glen could argue with him. Two people passed out from the 100 degree heat in the cemetery that morning, but you know damn well for sure who didn't: Glen "I stood up to the probably the richest Jew in the world at the time" Danks.

At the cemetery assembles the all-star cast: Denis Leary, Callie Thorpe('Homicide' and 'The Wire'!)Tatum O'Neal, Charles Durning, and Anthony Michael Hall. During a break, a teenager at the funeral must've asked D.L. a stupid fucking question because myself and a bunch of others listen to the following paraphrase with petrified delight:

"You got a computer, kid? Type into your search engine 'Denis Leary' one 'n' and you'll find what movies I was in. That way you don't have to waste my time with stupid fucking questions." At this point I'd like to point out that D.L. looks great for a smoking man of 50. "Ask me about 'White Palm's, this little movie I made in the 90s and even if you haven't seen it, I'll think 'Oh, this is a smart kid. Get him some pizza.' In between jerking off, do some research. See that guy? Has 13 Emmy nominations. Ask him about that and he'll probably go, 'Hey, smart kid. Let's hire him again, maybe I'll make him my assistant.'"

And that's how it's done, folks! Be smart with your stupid fucking questions. But, kid, here's some advice D.L. won't give you: if he comes to your 'hood to shoot, and you meet John Clifford waiting to take his picture, just pick up your groceries and walk home, kid. Hey, kid, are you listening to me, kid?

On the bus ride back to the cemetary at lunch, I decide to sit in the back tucked snuggly away next to the lavatory so I can rest longer as I'll be the last one off. I wake to an empty bus with no idea how much time has passed. Only five minutes as it turns out. Not a huge deal, but find a bus buddy, kid, or don't sit in the back.

In the cemetary, I can't find my first page of notes and realize the stationary I'd been using says 'David N. Levin' on it is like a map that could lead the white man straight back to the Cheyenne camp. Hopefully, it's in the Polanaisse.

Huddle us up and say what a great job we're doing especially you cops in your polyester uniforms. You know what else you're doing great? Bugging the actors and taking pictures with your camera-phones. Let's act like professionals, people. And great job.

Whoops!

Oopsy!

These pictures were actually taken BEFORE the speech and who cares.

On the walk back from the bus to the Polanaisse I see my page of notes on the sidewalk. Lucky. If you're going to take notes, be smart about it, kid, and don't use the stationery your grandmother made for you as a way to make her happy in a heaven you don't believe in. She's no where near this cemetery.

We leave after a 13 hour day which apparently isn't THAT bad. But it is if you're the fellow waiting on the bus in front of me and you'd spent all day in a new shirt and new haircut waiting to get noticed and now you spout the following complaints which I will interpret as best I can. Keep in mind he's not addressing me, but anyone who in range who will listen:

"Over here, over there. Almost as descriptive as shit."[critique of directions from crew]

"Duh, huh, what? Huh, duh, huh, what?" [more illustrative critique of the above]

"It's like 'Night of the Living Dead' these people"[reference to popular horror film featuring dead risen from the grave or 'the undead' being used to describe background artists]

"Why don't they go to Bellview, and get'em from Bellview? It'd be an improvement."[sanitorium suggested as source for future extras]

"Your Barbie Dolls will wait, honey!"[?????]

He was close with the 'Night of the Living Dead' as we(the extras) all stumbled hot, and exhausted out of that Yonkers cemetery in a shambles, and alive.

Kidnapped: CANCELLED

2006-07-30T21:08:00.000-04:00

When I arrived Friday night at 7pm at the Polish Cultural Center I was immediately sent home. No splosions, no Alease in sight. So I ran to watch musical improv which is like normal improv only with a band and applause for interesting couplets. And had I said hello to a friend there 45 seconds sooner I could have gotten in for free. Not a great beginning to the birthday weekend.

TV-Head

2006-07-28T02:33:00.000-04:00

Thursday audition for a commericial where I'm a guy at a bar who oggles a woman whose head is a tv tuned to a sports network. If I get this... I mean, someone was going to do this anyway, right? And really it's a glimpse of the future which we are probably powerless to stop if the Japanese have anything to say about it. One of my 'barmates' told me when it was all over that I did a good job. Maybe it's a backwards compliment like 'Break a leg!' Or maybe he now owns my soul. If I get it, we'll know how much THAT'S worth.

'Kidnapped II: The Fantastic Return"

2006-07-28T02:12:00.000-04:00

Friday night at 7pm I return to the set, but my FBI Clerking license has been revoked. I like to clerk by my own rules, and I jostle too many cubicle walls . That's what the report says anyway. Now I'm a civilian, an average schmoe, destined to react to an explosion with the rest of the schmoes dressed for March in July while I wait in line for noodles and ketchup. But don't cue that Sex Pistols song cause it was all worth. That is, it will be if Alease is there, reactin' to 'splosions alongside me. It'll be like that scene in 'Brokeback' where the fireworks are going off, but me and her ain't even lookin' cause we just rearranged the teeth-tiles inside of some biker dude's bathroom-mouth. And Delroy will smirk, shake his head, and mutter, "My man..."

Fat Backwards

2006-07-25T23:45:00.000-04:00

Monday audition in casting director's apartment for a blue collar role but there was no plumbing to unclog. All I had to do was get my picture taken and there is no callback as the shoot is Thursday and my participation in it will be known to me within 24 hours. Kay, the casting director/producer/apartment dweller said that if I didn't get it, it was because I wasn't fat enough. I ate that night and the next at Chipotle so if fat can be sent back in time and realized from my neck up, then the role is good as mine. Unfortunately, the second Chipotle dinner I skipped the sour cream possibly sabotaging my chances. If fat cannot be launched reverse through the ether, and I'm cast anyway, then the director will find a nice surprise in my jowls come Thursday. I'm also growing stubble for this role I don't yet have. How's that for dedication? Hope for the future!

Hoboken is white

2006-07-23T18:45:00.000-04:00

Friday night I visited the whitest place on Earth, Hoboken, NJ. My improv teammate Anthony Grippa had a fundraiser for his upcoming film 'Running Funny' at a bar there. While higher concentrations of white people admittedly exist elsewhere, the service people I encountered, perhaps unaware that they were already embarrassingly white, were rude, thus creating the need for me to characterize them as being all the whiter. But maybe their rudeness is understandable as they live and work in the whitest place on Earth, Hoboken, NJ.

Saturday I received my first check for acting which I immediately tucked away in a zero interest checking account. Thanks, Delroy, my brother; my man-dowry for Alease just got a little more pregnant. Hey, have you ever been to Hoboken? I know, right?

That night, I co-hosted the United Nations of Improv which featured four teams from around the city. It was a lot of fun. Improv is predominantly white, but not as white as the bartender in the back room of this bar I went to Friday night in Hoboken, New Jersey.

At this point, I'd like to give an electronic "shout out" to my homies.

Sunday an email came from Blue Mountain Online greeting cards reminding me that my birthday is a week to ten days away. When the day comes that I must send myself such a card, it will read: "Kill yourself today for symmetry."

Did you ever notice that when it snows in Harlem, everything looks a little whiter, but when it snows in Hoboken, NJ, the snow plow trucks accidently scoop people off the sidewalk creating huge housing vacancies during the month of February, and in March the government hands out something called 'Soylent White'?

Did you ever notice how black people are black, but white people are Hoboken, NJ?

I also worked Sunday on a web video for Eurorail with a bunch of other improvisers I know, about how corporate life sucks with knee pads and petroleum jelly. There was pizza for lunch, and one of the pizzas had cheese on it that was pretty white, but it wasn't as white as the cheese on a pizza in someplaces I could mention.

A new HTML tag came out today. To make text white, you can now use the code: [color=Hoboken, NJ]your text here[/color]

Manachronic

2006-07-21T15:18:00.000-04:00

A large electronics company holds an audition for a husband-type.

A commercial for a new entertainment system? No, it's for a ventilator, stupid. People are so done with electronic audio/visual entertainment. It's all about watching air filter now.

"You and your wife whose improv skills will make you want to strangle her are watching the plasma screen the night before you toss it when SUDDENLY you get the urge to run to the bathroom. The vibrations of what you do offscreen imply the ripples she witnesses in her cup of tea ala the T-Rex intro in JP 1.
Think you can do that? Pretend you have to go to the bathroom?
Think you can fake something you've been doing since birth?
Want to take a moment to dredge up a memory and find your motivation?
Your bowels desperately need to be emptied and you don't want to do it on the sofa next to your wife... you're not a happily married pair of mountain gorillas so find another animal spirit... fine, imagine you're a kid in 'Toys R Us' if that helps...
okay, thanks for coming in."

This spot is called "Jurrassic Fart". Yes, it is.

'FBI Clerk Returns Home!'

2006-07-19T00:16:00.000-04:00

Tuesday they came in their big white trailers.

I walked past them on the way to the Y, and past them on the way home with groceries when I met this man:

John Clifford, set/still photographer. He takes the photos that are seen in the show like of crime scenes, mug shots, etc. John was waiting to take a headshot of guess who? I thought about waiting in the 100 degree heat, but I had Red Delicious Apples and Weight Watchers Frozen Lasagna and moving on to think of.
Sorry, Delroy; I'll have to catch you next time. Hope you find what you're looking for without me... but if you can't, look for me at the far end of the bar at the 'Lonely Delroy Lindo Partner Tavern'.

Look, was he going to reimburse me the $2.89 for my Lasagna? I don't think so.

The Beat My Heart S'Kidnapped'

2006-07-18T00:02:00.000-04:00

I walked home from an unabated streak of dreadful improv Monday night to find no Delroy, no Elouise. I examined the 'No Parking' signs along Franklin Street and now they read: "We start filming Tuesday morning, fool."

During one shot of 'FBI Clerk: The Series' last week, a young woman named Elise improv'd showing me important things on computer screens as Delroy and his exposition walked past. Then I would pat her on the back and pick up the phone at the next desk. It was electric. Elise has lived in Australia, and is originally from Connecticut. Our conversation grew so pleasant between takes that when she left to do stand-in work, I looked forward to seeing her again back in Holding(where background waits until needed; SAG has their tables and we have ours, and that's the way the Jets and the Sharks like it), but we were all dismissed before she returned.
"Five minutes," I thought, "That's how long I'll give my future wife."
But Elise(sp?) did not return within the time allotted. Now we only have a few seconds on film together forever this Fall on NBC.

p.s. It has occurred to me that Alease was SAG while I was Non, and any attempts at anything would have resulted in monster sour baby grapes.

Un'Kidnapped' My Heart

2006-07-16T02:48:00.000-04:00

Where I live in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, there's a gritty industrial sector that television shows and films love to location in, so as I made my way home from performing painful improv early Sunday morning, it was no surprise to see 'No Parking' signs posted along Franklin Street for Monday and Tuesday. What did surprise me was the name of the production listed: 'Kidnapped'.
"That must be a misprint," I thought before checking six other signs.
Why hadn't Delroy told me? I must have mentioned where I lived out loud at least once. And why was the show still called 'Kidnapped' and not 'Delroy and Elouise Will Find Your Children'? He's going to be shooting less than a BLOCK from where I live, and I don't even warrant a phone call from one of his "people". Maybe he'll call Sunday. Really they don't start until Monday 7am so they might not call right up until then, and maybe they don't need me until Tuesday so they'll call last minute Monday, oh, you know how these tv people are. I should put my phone on 'silent' so my heart doesn't seize with every ring, but then what if they need me right away? Damn you, DL, damn you... oh, I'm sure it's a mistake. I'll walk by the set 7 times an hour just to make sure.

Badly Outdated 'Spider-Man 3' News

2006-07-15T02:19:00.000-04:00

One of the villains in the next ‘Spider-man 3’ is reportedly going to be The Sandman who can turn his entire body into sand or make it as hard as concrete, if you get my drift. Might be trouble for M.J. Should pose quite a problem for our friendly neighborhood wall-crawler. Let's hope for all of our sakes that he can rise to the challenge, and stick it to this Sandman.... you know, with his cock.

Law & Order

2006-07-14T22:48:00.000-04:00

I watch Law and Order about once every two months and every time I do, it's about the murder of a latino kid who sold test answers to his classmates. This type of crime doesn't worry me too much as I'm no longer in school, but it does reinforce the fear that one day when I am rich, my son might become resentful of a minority who's smarter than he is, murder him, and then try to take his own life before he's had a chance to read Camus. On a subconscious level, this keeps me poor and single, but worry free.

This episode also has it all: class warfare through the lens of minority and celebrity, big pharma as scapegoat, and Kathleen Turner. Holy shit! As I write this, it also has Ali Farahnakian, founder of the Peoples Improv Theater(where I do improv) playing an expert witness. Wow, he has lost a lot of weight.

Triple Header

2006-07-13T11:41:00.000-04:00

Former coworkers I never thought to see again witnessed me do improv last night. While they were waiting to enter the theater, or as I like to call it the "place of pain and light", I later heard they detected the odor of skunk.
"We're a couple of midwestern girls so we know what skunk smells like."
Not one to let my Southern-ness be outdone I said, "Oh yeah, well, I'm from the fucking SOUTH, and I'm pretty sure I've smelt skunk... and maybe just not known it."
Like losing one's virginity in the South, I imagine.

But you know what I'm sure didn't smell like skunk last night...?
My time(or most of it) in the popal, KER-WHAMMO-Y!

ReplyAll, Jimmy's No. 43, 815pm

The Calamari Mandate, PIT, 930pm

Team Dresch, PIT, Improdome, 11pm

And, YES, I know who's holding my virginity.

'FBI Clerk: The Series'

2006-07-12T00:44:00.000-04:00

I played a background FBI Clerk today on the upcoming NBC series
'Kidnapped'. In between takes, Delroy Lindo noticed that my FBI desk
tag read 'Agent Elouise Ryan' and he patted me on the shoulder and
said "What were your parents thinking?" Ha, ha, I don't know, Delroy,
I do not know. The show's now to be called "Delroy & Elouise Will
Find Your Children".